I’ve tried calendars, planners, notifications, alarms, notes around the house. You name it, I have probably tried it… for a few days. Then I forget about it. When I finally remember months have gone by and it no longer seems helpful so I give up feeling like a failure. If I don’t forget about it there is a bit of rebellion in me that fights hard against routine and I eventually choose to ignore the planner. It feels really good. The fact that I’ve been able to homeschool four kids is an absolute miracle. The only area I have ever been deliberately consistent in my life is my relationship with the Lord, and that is only by His grace.

A while back I read an article on an online homeschool group. It was about creating family rhythms. It was written by someone a lot like me and what they said made a lot of sense and made me feel like less of a failure. She was saying that, like me, she struggled to stick to a schedule, so instead she decided to create a rhythm. There are no set times. There is no set order. There is a prioritized list of things that need to be accomplished, but they can be done at any time and those less important can be put to the next day. This helped me so much!!

While we are a bit less busy here in the U.S. we have decided as a family to start identifying some of our personal weaknesses and start working to improve them. This is where the Lord convicted me; deliberately, consistently loving my family. So… I bought another planner. I know, I know. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. But it’s not really the same thing. I customized this for identifying areas that I need to improve in loving each member of our family, specific prayer needs in our relationships, then writing out goals and a plan of action for each person. It has a calendar for each month because I am wanting to revise it each month, but I’m not too sure how much I’ll actually be using the calendar. It will at least remind me when the new months starts. I hope.

What about you? What areas is God working on you? How can you be more deliberate and consistent in your daily life? What kind of rhythms do you need to establish? What kind of planner do you need to customize? What difficult things do you need to do? Let’s work on these together. Feel free to share with me what you are working on. I would love to pray for and encourage you in it.

We all know that life is exhausting. There are memes all over facebook, commercials for sleep aids, mattresses that help us get our best night sleep, energy drinks to keep us going, now coffee with twice the caffeine. People promote self-care, yoga, meditation, nature walking, and other means of keeping ourselves nurtured in the midst of a crazy life. When we stop to think about it the majority of this business is not for ourselves. We work hard at our job to provide for our families. We are running the kids to and fro for their various activities. We keep the house clean and provide meals for our families. And then we serve others outside our homes. We help that friend in need, serve in the church, volunteer our time at other ministries.

In the midst of all that we reach the point were we need a break. We need to escape the hustle and bustle to reenergize, refocus, and rest. Just a bit of time for ourselves. It could be waking up in the morning early for a few moments of quiet before the kids take over your day. It could be going for that run by yourself to destress. Maybe you just want that hour before bed to read a book you’ve been wanting to read. Or you just need a nap, just an hour is all you’re asking for. It could even be a trip you’ve been planning for months.

But then something interrupts this much needed, much looked forward to time. The kids wake up early. The pastor calls and needs you to do one more thing and you don’t get that run in. One of the kids are sick before bed and you’re up taking care of them. Your friend calls needing help and interrupts your nap. The car breaks down and messes up your vacation plans. We respond with grumpy, frustrated, irritation because our expectations and needs are not being met. Life happens…

As I was journaling in Luke this morning I got to the passage where Jesus feeds the five thousand. It’s a very popular story in children’s ministry and pastors preach on it all the time, so I’m sure you know it well. But let me remind you what is going on.

In Luke chapter nine Jesus sends out his freshly called twelve apostles. He gives them the power to heal and cast out demons, gives them very strict instructions, and sends them into the neighboring villages to preach the gospel and heal. Not an easy task. They saw God do amazing things through them in that time, but if you’ve ever gone on a short-term missions trip you know that even though you are excited about what you saw you are also exhausted when you get back home. Serving others is hard work.

Upon their return to Jesus after their trip they are excited and start telling him everything they experienced. Jesus takes them to a lonely little town, they assume to rest. They are looking forward to some time of restoration and private time with Jesus. But, Jesus knows that when they get there thousands of needy people would meet them. They see the people coming with dread in their hearts. “Please no, we just did this! Can’t we just get a break?!” They assume that Jesus knows their need of rest and will turn the people away, but to their frustrated surprise Jesus welcomes them and starts preaching and healing. What can they do? So with tired, grumbling spirits they hop in and start serving.

They come up with a plan to shorten the meeting. The people need to eat. There’s nothing to eat. Send them away to be fed. They’re tired, frustrated, probably overwhelmed, and then Jesus turns to them and asks them to do the impossible. He tells them to feed all these people. In their exhaustion they’ve forgotten all the miracles and healings God had just performed through them. All they see is their exhaustion, unmet desires, a large crowd, two fish, and five loaves. They have forgotten Who they are with.

So many times our circumstances and emotions cloud our vision. They warp our perspective of who we are in Christ and who our God is. We forget all God has done in us, through us, and for us. We forget that He empowers us to do His will. He has given us everything we need to live the life He has called us to and do what He is asking us to do. In our exhaustion we just see the here and now and our unmet desires. We feel like it should be our turn. We’ve given and given. It’s our turn to receive.

Jesus knew, when he welcomed thousands of needy people, that He was about to remind them of Who He was and what He could do. That even in the business and exhaustion of life He is more than capable to abundantly meet our needs and satisfy our deepest longings. He demonstrated that to them when He miraculously broke the bread and fed all those people. What a gentle, yet obvious reminder to the apostles.

I find it poetic that at the end of the meal the apostles gathered up the leftovers and there were twelve baskets of broken pieces. As they were carrying those baskets of bread, it was like they were carrying their hearts, broken over their selfish frustration, back to the Savior for healing and restoration.

I feel this way so often. And the Lord always binds me back up, lovingly forgives me, and restores me every time. He doesn’t always give me what I want, but what I need. He gently reveals the sinful selfishness in my heart, forgives it, and changes me. And then He satisfies me completely.

Life is busy and exhausting. But let’s not forget Who we are with. Don’t let the business crowd Him out. Make time to get in His Word. Spend time in prayer with Him. Make it a priority and find ways to make it work with your busy schedule. He is the One Who abundantly meets our needs and satisfies our deepest longings.

I’ve never been a big fan of history. I know, I know. I can hear the gasps as I write. In school growing up history was a dreaded subject of reading required pages and memorizing meaningless date after meaningless date. At least, meaningless to me at the time. As I’ve grown older and realized that history is so much more than parroting dates I’ve come to love and enjoy it. There, have I redeemed myself?

One aspect of history that I think almost everyone enjoys is their personal genealogy. There is something inspiring about learning your personal history. For example, I am related to Pocahontas. My cousin researched our family history and found out we are her direct descendants. Pretty cool! Even finding out there is something scandalous in your history is exciting. Why? Because it is personal. It is your history. It is part of your story. It makes history come alive.

I’m journaling through Luke… slowly, of course. I’ve finally reached chapter four. It walks us through the genealogy Joseph, the adoptive father of Jesus. I’ve always been slightly intrigued by genealogies in the Bible mostly because of the interesting names. Every once in a while there is something random and interesting hidden among the names. This time I started reading through the funny names and expected it to stop at David, but it didn’t. It went on to Abraham. Then to Noah. And ended with “Adam, the son of God.”

It suddenly struck me that I have the same genealogy as Joseph from Noah on down to “Adam, the son of God.” I have the same family history as Joseph, and Noah. You do too. Every human being alive on planet Earth today shares the same family history. When I am reading the Old Testament accounts in the first nine chapters of Genesis I am reading my personal family history. I can point to those nine chapters of scripture with my African son and we share the same genetic history.

From Noah to Pocahontas I’m not too sure what went on, but I love that we have a God who is so personal that He put my family history, your family history, right at the beginning of His Word. Let me quote it for you…

Luke 4:36-38 “ the son of Cainan, the son of Arphaxad, the son of Shem, the son of NOAH, the son of Lamech, the son of Methuselah, the son of Enoch, the son of Jared, the son of Mahalaleel, the son of Cainan, the son of Enos, the son of Seth, the son fo ADAM, the son of GOD.”

Dive into Genesis and read about our family history. There is a lot to learn.

Life for our family has been a bit… disorienting. We have loved staying with family and their generous hospitality. We have loved seeing friends and catching up with them. We have loved many aspects of being in the U.S. But at the same time we are away from home. You know how near the end of vacation you've have had a fun time, but you’re ready for your own bed and your own home? That’s how we are feeling. Our day to day has been exciting, but very random. After many weeks of random we are feeling the draw of a needed family rhythm.

Step one: start “Alone Time”. What is “Alone Time”?? Most weeks, after family devotions, Jamie and I will take one child each for 20-40 minutes and spend time with just that child. The others go to bed and we get to take time focusing on that one on one time. We might play a game, watch youtube, bake, read a book, or just talk about what is on their hearts. The kids have really come to depend on this time with Jamie and me. They guard it jealously and look forward to it each week.

This has become an important tradition in our family. It is during this time the kids open their hearts to us privately and we get to listen to them, speak truth into their lives, and pray with them. We reinstated “Alone Time” this week, and already all the pent up emotions and frustrations are pouring forth. The kids have been needing this for a long time, and I’m glad we’ve started it back up again.

Step two: start school.

Most school days we start the morning with our “5 First Things”. It’s a list of five things the kids have to complete to get ready for their day. Once those are completed we start our “Morning Time”. We gather around the table for our bible lesson, character quality, read aloud, and depending on the day we do history, science, or grammar. It’s a routine start to our day that gets everyone on the same page. After that the kids do their own work on math, reading, and other subjects. It’s a great way for our family to have a regular rhythm that grounds and unites us.

This can be done anywhere! As long as we have a place to sit we can do our morning time and school work. I’m so thankful that I’m able to homeschool and for the stability it brings to our family.

Step four: Chores

I believe it is important for children to take responsibility for the care of their environment. It gives them a measure of control over what is happening around them, teaches them responsibility and good habits, and makes them a contributing member of the family.

No matter where we stay the kids can contribute to the household. They can wash their own laundry, keep their rooms clean, clean up after themselves, wash dishes, sweep floors, clean bathrooms… This week with the snow they’ve been shoveling the driveway and walkway. When we stay with other people it helps for them to understand our children’s need to work and encourage them to do their chores. Even giving them extra jobs that they can do around the house and yard to earn spending money is appreciated.

Overall we are truly enjoying our time here. We miss home, but as we focus on the blessings and the joys of being here we can better adapt and enjoy this time with you all. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for your patient understanding. Thank you for your prayers, encouragement, and support. Thank you for sending us to Zambia where we have found a new home and ministry. And thank you for welcoming us back to America with open arms and hearts. We are deeply blessed.

Our family is living in a whirlwind right now. Honestly, there is no way to express it in a way that anyone would understand unless they’ve gone through it. Last week at this time I was at home chasing muddy dogs and kids out of the house, cleaning and packing for our upcoming trip to the U.S., frustrated because electricity was out… again. I was frustrated because the internet wasn’t working and after the fourth try that email still hadn’t gone through. I was trying to figure out what we were going to eat for dinner, because I didn’t buy anything because we were leaving, and there wasn’t really any food at the store when I went. I was trying to help take care of my mom because she wasn’t well. Other than the packing and a sick mom it was pretty much normal life for us. It was hot, humid, dirty, muddy, chaotic, and… home. My bed, my kitchen, my animals, my home.

This week I am sitting in my Aunt’s historical cottage beautifully decorated for Christmas, frost on the grass outside, a fire in the fireplace, a kitchen filled with food, and Grandpa living in the back apartment. When we turn on our computers emails fly in and out and upload before we can blink. Out the window are gorgeous historic buildings and homes all decorated in their best for the Holiday. Cars, the likes of which I could never imagine seeing in mass, driving orderly and safely down the smoothy paved street. They stop at the school crossing to let the kids safely pass as they walk in the crossing and not all over the place. The stores are filed with anything you could ever need and a lot more than you could ever want.

I feel like I’m living in a dream. If I close my eyes too long I’ll wake up in my kitchen in Zambia hot and sweaty. As much as it sounds like a nice dream, in some ways it’s not. It’s extremely overwhelming to see such affluence all around you. And to see people taking such affluence and blessing for granted. To go to the store and have 20 different options of one item when you’re used to only having two makes your brain short circuit. Who needs so many different choices of breakfast cereal? I mean, seriously??!!

It honestly is system overload. We are used to seeing dire poverty every day. We are used to experiencing long power outages due to an incompetent electrical system. We are used to dirty water and malaria and lack. Lack of everything. Our brains and emotions can’t process the stark differences. All of us, especially the kids. Jamie and I at least remember growing up in this affluence, but my kids don’t.

We arrived in the U.S. on Thursday. By Sunday we were all overwhelmed and overloaded. We were frazzled mentally and emotionally. We have been trying to light our Advent candles every Sunday to keep us focused on Christ. I’m so thankful we have kept it up. This Sunday we sat round the table especially frazzled after sitting through a beautiful yet completely overwhelming Christmas program. It started with Frosty and elves running through the auditorium throwing candy canes with loud music and lights and so much activity on stage it made our heads spin. At the same time it was festive and fun and everyone around us was thoroughly enjoying it. It fit the culture here beautifully and God used it to bring people to Him through salvation. But this isn’t our culture anymore and… whew!!!

We reviewed our first candle. Jesus the seed. He is the Seed of Promise fulfilling the prophecies of old, and the Seed of our Salvation. We reviewed our second candle. Jesus the Star. He is the Light of the World and shines His light through us into a world of darkness. Then we lit our third candle. Jesus the Scepter. He is the King of our hearts and rules and reigns in our lives. Someday He will return and rule in reign as King on Earth.

Wow! This was just what we needed. In the midst of our overwhelming insecurities during this transition Jesus is in control of our hearts, minds, and circumstances. We can rest knowing that He has us in His hand and has a perfect plan for us.

I know that all we need is time. Soon all of this will start to feel a bit more normal to us. But for now we will stand upon the foundation of our salvation offered through Jesus the Seed. We will live letting Jesus the Star shine through our hearts into the lives of those around us. And we will rest knowing that Jesus the Scepter is reigning over our lives with His perfect love and grace. This is why we celebrate Advent.

A couple of weeks ago I was doing my devotions, still journaling through Exodus, and I just loved what I was reading. I didn’t post it because I thought that everyone would be tired of Exodus, but the Lord keeps bringing it back to mind. I just have to share it with you. I hope that it is as encouraging to you as it is to me. Let’s do this.

In Exodus chapter 24 God calls Moses up on Mt. Sinai to speak with him. Read it. It’s incredibly overwhelming. For forty days and nights Moses communes with God in His presence. While Moses is up there God gives him the Ten Commandments, instructions on social interactions, and instructions on the building of the Ark of the Covenant, Tabernacle and how to worship Him.

In chapter 25 we see the instructions God gives Moses on how to build the Ark of the Covenant. I find it interesting that in this passage God never calls it the “Ark of the Covenant”, but the “Ark of Testimony”. In the instructions for constructing this ark the Lord tells Moses to make a cover for it. Verse 17 says, “You shall make a mercy seat (cover) of pure gold.” Later in verses 21,22 God tells Moses, “And you shall put the mercy seat on top of the ark, and in the ark you shall put the testimony that I shall give you. There I will meet with you, and from above the mercy seat, from between the two cherubim that are on the ark of testimony, I will speak with you about all that I will give you in commandment for the people of Israel.”

I have always thought of the “mercy seat” as a kind of throne. In reality it’s just the lid of the ark of the covenant. But I find this imagery so beautiful. Our testimony, our relationship with God, is truly covered with mercy. He does not meet with us from a seat of judgement, a seat of wrath, a seat of condemnation. No, He meets with us from a seat of mercy. Mercy is the foundation of our relationship with Him. Mercy that is undeserved, unsought, and many times unappreciated. Our testimony before others should be covered with mercy. God’s mercy in our lives should be evident to all.

Later God gives Moses the instructions for the priest’s garments. In chapter 28 verses 29 and 30 we read, “So Aaron shall bear the names of the sons of Israel in the breastpiece of judgement on his heart, when he goes into the Holy Place, to bring them to regular remembrance before the LORD. And in the breastpiece of judgement you call put the Urim and the Thummim, and they shall be on Aaron’s heart when he goes before the LORD. Thus Aaron shall bear the judgement of the people of Israel on his heart before the LORD regularly.”

I find it interesting that the Lord sits on a seat of mercy and Aaron is weighed down with the breastpiece of judgement as he comes before the Lord on His mercy seat. I think we often think of it the other way around. We think of God sitting on His judgement seat and we come before Him seeking mercy. But the judgement is already on our hearts. We come before God guilty and already condemned. And in His love, our God’s first inclination towards us is that of mercy. What a beautiful picture of God’s love towards us.

Many of us live lives consumed with guilt and shame. We feel heavily the weight of the breastpiece of judgement and it burdens us down day after day. We believe God sits on a seat of judgement and so we fear to approach His throne. Let this passage encourage you. Our loving God sits on a seat of MERCY! He desires to cover you with mercy. Go before Him. Hand over your breastpiece of judgement. Christ came to set us free from that burden. We are free to approach the Mercy Seat and commune with our God in sweet fellowship. Don’t live in judgement any longer. Live a life covered with sweet mercy.

Yesterday we lit our first candle of Advent. This is our third year celebrating Advent, and I have to admit it is my favorite tradition of Christmas. It is so easy to get caught up in all the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season. Celebrating Advent forces us to slow down and prepare our hearts to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas. I honestly think everyone who claims Christ as Savior needs to adopt this tradition into their Christmas celebrations.

Advent is a time of preparation and expectant waiting for the celebration of Christmas and sometimes the Second Coming of Christ. Many different denominations of Christianity celebrated Advent from Easter Orthodoxy, Roman Catholicism, and Anglican to Presbyterians and Methodists. No one knows exactly when it began, but the tradition of focusing your heart and mind on who Christ is and what He has done to prepare ourselves to truly celebrate Christ’s birth is something worth getting into.

Each Sunday for a month leading up to Christmas we light a candle and focus on the meaning behind that candle. Saturday the kids and I used beeswax we bought from a friend’s farm to make our candles. It was so much fun and added more sentimentality to our celebration. Each child chose essential oils to make their candle smell good.

This week we lit our candle focusing on Jesus the Seed. He is the Seed of the fulfilled promises of God and the Seed of our Salvation. As we light each candle we discuss what it means.

When we look back to the beginning in Genesis, after the fall of man, God cursed the serpent because of his deception of Eve. In this curse was hope and a promise for Eve. Genesis 3:15 “I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring (seed) and her offspring (seed); he shall crush your head, and you shall bruise his heel.” God was giving the promise of a future Redeemer who would one day defeat this evil that ushered sin into the world. Jesus Christ came and crushed the head of Satan when he rose triumphantly from the grave defeating sin, death, and hell. The prophecy was fulfilled. Christ has won the victory and offers His victory to us.

Later in Genesis we see God meeting with Abraham after Abraham obediently offered his son, Isaac, on the alter. God stopped Abraham’s knife and gave him a promise. Genesis 22:18 “And in your offspring (seed) shall all the nations of the earth be blessed, because you have obeyed my voice.” The promised Messiah was going to come from Abraham. All the nations would be blessed through the salvation offered by Jesus Christ. Later in Galatians 3:29 we are told “And if you are Christ’s, then you are Abraham’s offspring (seed), heirs according to promise.” We have the same inheritance of faith that Abraham had. The prophecy has been fulfilled. We are blessed through the Seed of Abraham, Jesus Christ.

We also see the promise of God made to King David. In 2 Samuel 7:16 the Lord tells David, “And your house and your kingdom shall be made sure forever before me. Your throne shall be established forever.” Also in 2 Timothy 2:8 we Paul tells us, “Remember Jesus Christ, risen from the dead, offspring (seed) of David…” When we see the genealogy of Jesus Christ in Matthew chapter one we see in verse one he is called the “son of David” and then it proceeds to list the ancestors of Christ through David down to Abraham. Jesus will one day come back to earth to rule and reign as King on His rightful throne. It is through Jesus that David’s throne is established forever. Jesus is the Seed of fulfillment of God’s promise to David long ago.

Jesus is also the Seed of our Salvation. We discussed at the lighting of our candle last night how a seed must fall from the plant and die in order to produce new life. I love it when we present an idea to our kids and we see the lightbulbs go off and they just run away with the idea in understanding. We know through the Gospel that Jesus had to die in our place, taking the punishment for our sins, so that He could offer us new life through His resurrection. I love how closely Christmas and Easter are connected. We can not celebrate the cradle without honoring the grave and rejoicing in the resurrection.

As we continue through this week we will sing hymns and carols, bake treats, make crafts, and continue to focus our hearts and minds on Jesus the Seed. I hope that you will take time this week to step away from the business and reflect on Jesus, the fulfillment of prophecy and the Seed of our salvation. 

*We are followoing Slow and Sacred Advent by Jennifer Naraki.  Just click on the link to buy the program from her website.

November is Adoption Awareness Month. Adoption is, of course, very important to us and close to our hearts. I wish so much it was as important to most believers as it is to God. We are commanded in Scripture to care for widows and orphans in their destress. What does, or should, that look like?

We each have to seek the Lord and ask Him what He would have us to do, but we must all be doing something. I’m gonna get real here, and some may not like it. Feeling sorry for orphans is not caring for them. Simply “liking” a post about orphans on Facebook is not caring for orphans. That one time you sent money to a charity for orphans is not caring for orphans. Sending shoeboxes to kids in Africa every Christmas is not caring for orphans. So, what does caring for orphans look like? How can you get involved and live obediently to the command the Lord has given us.

I know that not everyone is called to adopt a child into their own family, but I believe there are many who are but just don’t because of finances, fear, uncertainty, the horror of the process, feelings of inadequacy, etc… If you feel even the smallest tug on your heart to adopt, please, search it out. Spend concentrated time with the Lord seeking His direction. There are countless organizations who are dedicated to helping people adopt. The “foster to adopt” system in the US is filled with kids who need loving families. If God is calling you to adopt He will provide for you and guide you. Step out in faith. You will never regret it.

There are thousands of children currently in the foster care system in the U.S. who need families who will take them in and show them the love of God. I know all the excuse, because I used every one of them when we lived in the U.S. And every one of the the excuses are self-centered. Pray honestly about if God would have you provide love and care for these children who so desperately need it. Look into the process locally to see what is involved and what you can do.

But, if you’re not called to adopt, how can you get involved? There are so many ways! First, look around you. Are there people in your church who are foster parents or in the process of adoption? In what ways can you support their family? Because, believe me, they need it! Let me help you with some links to articles that will help you know how best to support the families around you.

17 Practical Ways You Can Support Foster Parents

10 Things You Can Do to Support Foster Families by Confessions of an Adoptive Parent

Supporting Foster Families by Focus on the Family

Each of these articles provide very practical ways that you can support those in the foster or adoption process.

There are children who are living in good orphanages all over the world. The people who run these orphanages do their best to provide more than just daily care for these children. They are trying to give them good educations, life skills, and teach them about the Lord. They run on financial donations and sponsorship. One of the ways they do this is to have people choose one of the children (or care providers such as house mothers) to support financially on a monthly basis. The amount is minimal, but goes directly to the care of that child. Usually you will receive updates on that child’s progress in life and school, and occasionally letters from the child themselves. It is not only helpful to that organization but also very encouraging to that child to know that someone cares enough about them to help meet their needs even from far away.

Lifesong for Orphans is an organization we are close with here in Zambia but they have works all over the world.

Faith Children’s Village is a local orphanage near us that is trustworthy and doing a great job.

New Day Orphanage is another orphanage in Zambia that we have been close to.

I know there are many more, but these are the ones we know personally and can vouch for.

Enough can not be said about the power of prayer. I believe we are called to do more than pray for orphans, but it is a vital aspect of our ministry to and care for them. Here are some links to prayer guides from people and organizations who are in it to help you pray effectively.

15 Days of Prayer for Orphans by Lifesong for Orphans

Prayer for Orphans by Knowing Jesus 

This is by no means an exhaustive list of ways that you can get involved, but I pray that it will help you know how to get started. I can tell you from our experience that we do not regret our decision to follow the Lord in adoption. It’s not easy. God doesn’t call us to care for orphans because it’s easy. He calls us to do it so we can be His hands, feet, and heart to them. God calls us to do difficult things so that He can reveal Himself to us through it. God calls us to do impossible things we can’t do so that He can show His power through our weakness and get all the glory through it.

How are you going to get involved? How are you going to start caring for orphans in a way that is real, tangible, and living in obedience to the commands of God?

I have written in the past about our experience with our miscarriages and stillbirth. Particularly our stillbirth. I have prayed that God would use our children’s lives, no matter how long or short, to bring glory to Himself. God has given me opportunity to use my painful journey to help others who are traveling it too. It has been such a blessing to get to sit with a mother who is hurting and to be able to say that I know her hurt. I have been there. And to get to share with her what God has done in my life as a result of that hurt. I’m on the other side, but I remember being in the depths of it.

As the Lord keeps bringing mothers into my life who have lost children it is becoming more and more apparent to me that we, as survivors, need to do more to help those who are drowning in the sorrow of loss. Just saying, “I’ve had a miscarriage. I’m sorry for your loss,” isn’t enough. Sometimes, when we are so overwhelmed in our sorrow and pain we no longer hear the still small voice of the Father or see the truths that we stood on before our world fell apart.

I want to share with you some things I have learned through walking through the valley of the shadow of death and coming out on the other side that will hopefully help those of you who are in the midst of the pain now.

1. You must grieve.

There is no getting around the grieving process. There is no shortcut. It can not be ignored or denied. We have all learned about the five stages of grief. You have to go through all of them. You need to allow yourself to feel the pain and process through it. We all process it differently, but it must still be processed. The longer you push it away the longer it will take time for you to heal. Grief recognizes the sacred life that you lost.

2. Be honest with God and with yourself.

Most of us feel like we can’t express anger to God. That would be disrespectful! How dare we question God? How dare we doubt God?! God already knows what is in your heart and mind. We can not hide it from Him. The longer we keep it bottled up inside it consumes us and overwhelms us. We can no longer hear the voice of our loving Father. Pour out your heart to Him. The Word tells us that when we don’t have the words the Spirit will interpret the groanings of our heart before the throne of God. If all you do is cry before the Lord and let your heart groan, He knows. He hears. He loves you and wants to communicate to you. Sometimes we aren’t willing to admit our frustration with the Lord because that might make us less spiritual. Open your heart to the Lord and face what is there with Him. This is part of the process.

3. Let God speak to you.

As long as your heart is filled with anger, sorrow, and frustration you can’t hear God’s voice. He is waiting to comfort you and speak to your heart. He hears your questions and feels your pain. He is wanting to reveal Himself to you as you have never known Him before. He will answer your questions in His own way. His answers may not be the ones you want, but they will reveal more of who God is to you. Let Him comfort you. He is the only one who truly can.

4. Stand on the truths of God’s promises.

Truth is truth. All those things you believed about God before you lost your baby are still true. Truth does not change with our circumstances or emotions. That is what makes it true. Sometimes we have to cling to what we know to be true even though it doesn’t feel true in the moment.

The truth is: God loves you more than you could ever comprehend.

The truth is: God always does what is best for you.

The truth is: God has a perfect plan for your life.

The truth is: God loves your baby and it is in His presence in heaven.

The truth is: You can trust God because He is always faithful and good. The list could go on and on and all of it is true. All these truths that are so easy to believe when life is good are still true when your world is falling apart. They sound like platitudes, but in reality they are the foundation and bedrock of our faith. We must stand on them when everything else around us is shifting sand.

5. It’s okay to move on.

Moving on doesn’t mean you forget. Sometimes we feel like if we enjoy life again and let go of our sorrow we dishonor the loss we experienced. We make it not real if we move on. That is not true. Satan wants to keep you in your sorrow so that you are unable to experience the abundant life God has promised you. God is whispering to you to follow Him. He will lead you out of the valley of the shadow of death to lay beside still waters where He can restore your soul. Your baby was real. Your loss is real. Nothing will ever change that. You are forever changed by your experience. There is no going back to the way things were. But God has a beautiful, perfect, fulfilling plan for your future. Don’t feel guilty about embracing that and moving forward. Moving on also gives your child’s life meaning as you use their lives to glorify God and the lessons you’ve learned to help others.

I’m praying for you, sweet momma. I’m praying that as you walk through this valley of the shadow of death you would cling to your Savior. Don’t push Him away. He is he only One who can lead you through. He’s already been there. He knows the way. He IS the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Let go of whatever you’re holding on to; pain, sorrow, frustration, anger, shame… and open your heart to what God has for you. It is beautiful. He makes beauty from ashes and joy from pain. Let Him do His work in your heart.

Thirteen years later it’s much easier to write this than it would have been 10 years ago. My life has moved forward. I never forget my sweet babies. They are in my heart and on my mind every. single. day. Someone likened sorrow to a rock in your pocket. At first it is heavy and rough and sharp. You always feel the weight of it and whenever you put your hand in your pocket it cuts you. But the more you touch it it the rough edges get rubbed off, the weight becomes familiar. The stone gets smoothed into a thing of beauty and the feeling of it in your pocket becomes a comfort.

This is so true of my experience. I’m on the other side of the valley. The pain still comes, but it isn’t as sharp. The memories are always there. But over the years I’ve learned that the painful days are precious to me. The memories are stored up in my heart and cherished. God has taken my pain and turned it into something beautiful. He offers the same to you, dear sister. It takes time, but it will come. Hold on to Him.

Each and every one of us is called by God to choose where our loyalties will lie and then to stand firm in that decision. We all have decisions in our life that we need to repent of and leave behind. Regardless of our age at salvation we all have to consciously choose to leave in the past certain events in our life and we must choose to move on in the power and grace of the Lord.

I’m still in Exodus. It’s going to be a while. But seriously, guys, I don’t want to move on! What a rich, amazing book about the love of God for His people! I want to savor and enjoy every sweet word from the mouth of my God. I’m in Exodus chapter 14. The famous passage where God parts the Red Sea for His people to escape the pursuing Egyptians. Read it. It’s amazing. But as I was journaling through it I caught a different perspective. One that is so applicable to us all.

Picture this quick summary. The Israelites have fled Egypt after seeing the hand and power of God through the plagues, especially the passover angel. They have peacefully plundered the willing Egyptians and are now following the Lord as a pillar of cloud by day and fire by night through the desert. Suddenly God tells them to backtrack and camp in a vulnerable position beside the sea. As they are encamped there the whole of the Egyptian army comes thundering towards them to recapture them. God moves from before them to their rear as a guard all through the night. Then He used Moses to part the sea for the Israelites to flee from the Egyptians. The Egyptian army pursues and God uses Moses to bring the waters down upon them killing them all. Thus proving His power to both the Egyptian and Israelite nations.

I started thinking about Moses. He was an unwilling leader in the beginning with no personal relationships with this Jehovah God. As he followed, sometimes unwillingly, God proved Himself to Moses and brought Moses into a relationship with Him. Moses left Egypt as a fugitive, not willingly. He still had to have had intimate relationships among the Egyptians that were meaningful and precious to him.

If we think about our pasts many of us have passed through terrible and traumatic situations. As much as we hate the situations we have an emotional attachment to it and those involved whether it be an affection for them or hatred. That is one reason why it is so difficult to move forward in life; why we want to hold on to it. Perhaps Moses had the same. He had his childhood friends and all those precious memories. He had those who had genuinely loved him, invested in him, and cared for him. He truly loved and cared for them in return.

Now Moses had chosen to follow a different God and become part of a different people and those people from his past that he loved had chosen not to follow him. They didn’t understand the choices he was making. Perhaps they even tried to persuade him to give up this new life and come back where they believed he belonged. Having seen the work of God Moses had purposed in his heart to follow this God and remain faithful to Him. But he saw people he loved suffering in the plagues. I’m sure people he loved were killed in the plagues, but he had chosen sides. Until this point it was God who was killing them, not Moses. Moses was just choosing sides.

Perhaps some of the people of Israel still had doubts about the leadership of Moses. They knew he had grown up living the life of luxury in the palace. They knew he still had people he cared about among the Egyptian people. Sure, he had lived in exile and come back following the Lord, but the heart has strong ties to those it loves. He had more intimate relationships among the Egyptians than he did the Israelites. How could they be sure of his loyalty?

Now, in this moment God had safely delivered His people on the other side of the sea. The Egyptian army is panicking and struggling in the middle of the sea. Down there, pursuing them, were Moses’ childhood friends. Perhaps even members of his Egyptian family. Sons of people he had grown up with. And instead of God simply sending the waters crashing down upon them he tells Moses to do it. Moses stands there looking on these men he loved in his past and has to choose. Will he obey God and follow Him or not. Maybe he was in fight mode protecting the people he knew were depending on him. Maybe he hesitated and closed his eyes as he slowly raised his arm. We don’t know, but in that moment there was no going back. He was deliberately choosing where his loyalties lied.

Verse 31 tells us, “ Israel saw the great power of the LORD used against the Egyptians, so the people feared the LORD, and they believed in the LORD and in his servant Moses.” The Lord and the Israelite people saw in that moment that Moses was on their side. He deliberately chose to let go of his past and move on into the life that God had created him for and called him to. I can imagine the sorrow in Moses’ heart as he saw the water crashing down and knew people he loved were dying. Verse 30 tells us the Israelites saw their bodies on the shore of the sea. Perhaps he saw the bodies of men he knew.

This was a turning point for Moses. God brings us all to this moment of decision. He calls us to choose where our loyalty lies. Maybe you have experienced a past trauma you are unable to move forward from. Maybe you are struggling with an addiction that you can’t let go of. Perhaps you are controlled by your emotions and fears. God is calling you to choose to trust Him, let go of your past, and follow Him. But the choice is yours. God will not tolerate divided loyalty in your heart. Once you choose you must stand firmly in your choice. There is no turning back.

When Moses chose to willfully raise his arm in obedience, purposefully chosen to let go of his past and live in loyal submission to God, God proved His power through Moses. You are powerless in the kingdom of God as long as your heart is divided in it’s loyalty. When you choose to step forward in obedience to God, counting the cost and putting your past behind you, God will prove His power in you. You have purpose. You are able to fulfill His will for your life. You are free to move forward into the abundant life God has planned for you. It is a life so much fuller, richer, peaceful, grace-filled, and beautiful than the past that wants to hold on to you.

Please, if you are struggling to let go of the past; if you are struggling to choose where your loyalties lie, follow Moses’ example to us. Count the cost and raise your arm in loyal obedience to the God who loves you more than you could imagine. If only Moses could have read further into the story as we can. It would have made that moment so much easier. But God had amazing things in store for Moses that he could never have imagined. God brought Moses into the most beautiful relationship with Him in all of scripture. Moses saw God do truly miraculous things over and over. Moses stood on the mountain of God in His presence and came down transformed. But it all came down to his choice in that moment. The same is true for you. Choose this day who you will serve and stand firmly in that choice no matter what the consequence may bay. Then watch and see how God will reveal Himself to you. He is just waiting for you to make the right choice. 

Those of you who have foster parented, adopted, or raised children that are not your own who come from a difficult background know that most of the time it is very difficult. I’ve written past blogposts about our experiences with this if you want to scroll down through them. During a particularly difficult part of our adoption process I was journaling through Romans and the Lord spoke to my heart about our family through an unlikely passage. It gave me peace and a hope for our future in the midst of a present that was anything but peaceful and hopeful.

All of my theology friends will need to bear with me on this blog post. I know that this is not a theologically accurate application of this passage.   My prayer is that what God whispered to my heart that day would be an encouragement for others going through difficult foster/adoption situations.

The passage is Romans 11:17-19. It would be easiest for me to just give you these few verses. “But if some of the branches were broken off, and you, although a wild olive shot, were grafted in among the others and now share in the nourishing root of the olive tree, do not be arrogant toward the branches. If you are, remember it is not you who support the root, but the root that supports you. Then you will say, “Branches were broken off so that I might be grafted in.”

In this passage the Lord is speaking to Gentile believers and their relationship with Jewish believers. But as I was journaling through it I realized there is a parallel with our family that really encouraged me.

We all have our “family trees”. We usually start with a couple who are the roots and we see how many other families have branded off from that couple. I remember doing family tree projects for school as a child.

Here is what I saw.

My family is a tree.

God is the roots of our tree. We get our life, peace, and our joy from Him. He is Who sustains us and grows us.

Our marriage is the trunk. Our marriage grows out of our faith in and relationship with God.

Our children are the branches. We have three healthy, strong, growing branches. They are producing fruit and thriving. This passage in Romans talks about the branches that were broken off. Our family has some broken branches. If you know our family or read my previous blog posts you know that we lost two babies to miscarriage and one to stillbirth. Those are our broken branches.

But then the passage goes on to talk about a wild olive shoot that was grafted in among the others. Adoption. How beautiful is this??!! Stick with me and you’ll see it. In the passage the wild olive shoot is grafted in and shares in the nourishing root of the olive tree.

My son started out on a different tree.

And not just a different tree, but a different kind of tree.

A different cultural tree,

a different color tree,

a different country tree.

He started out with different roots and a different trunk.

He was a broken branch taken from his indigenous family tree.

God is grafting him into our family tree.

In order to graft a shoot into a tree you have to remove the shoot from the original tree, cut the new tree, and tie them together so they start to grow together. You must damage the shoot and the tree so that they can heal together. This is what God is doing with our family. He broke the branches from our tree so that there would be room for C to grow. He removed C from His family tree so he could grow with us. He cut our hearts for C and gave us compassion and love for him. God has bound us together so that we can heal and grow together.

But even more than the grafting the passage goes on to talk about sharing in the nourishing root of the olive tree. C now shares in the root of our family. His root is God. As God feeds our marriage He is feeding the branches, our children, and C is now our child being fed by God. He is getting the same life nourishing food from the Father as our biological children. Just like our biological children are producing fruit C will produce fruit too. His branch will look different from the others, and his fruit will look different from the others, but he shares the same trunk and the same root. It is just what God intended and designed.

Most importantly we must remember at the end of the passage it says that we do not support the root, but the root supports us. If God is our root we have no fear of decay or falling.

It is not my job to support C.

It is not my job to produce fruit in his life.

It is not my job to make sure he is properly grafted into our family.

It is my job to stand strong on our root, our Creator God Himself.

It is He who supports and upholds our family. He is feeding us, supporting us, and producing fruit in us, and it is a beautiful thing.

I have been very blessed to grow up active and healthy. My parents encouraged us to play sports and truly experience life. I remember being forced to do things I was terrified to do and ended up loving those same activities. Being raised that way has shaped me as a person and as a parent. As an adult I have been able to remain active and healthy. Those of you who know me know that I love outdoor sports of almost any kind, and I love activities that get my adrenaline going. I love challenging myself and learning new things.

Growing up I was obsessed with horses. What girl isn’t, right? My aunt always had horses. I remember wanting to be just like her when I grew up. Whenever we would visit her she would let me ride her horses if I would muck the stalls. Seemed like a good deal to a horse obsessed girl. I remember seeing her ride at fairs or in competitions. She rode western and to me was the epitome of a cowgirl. When I met Jamie, my husband, he had horses. I may have taken advantage of our friendship on occasion just to ride his horses.

When we moved to Kitwe we found a stable that offers riding lessons… in english riding. So different than how I grew up riding. We immediately signed our horse crazy girls up for lessons. Week after week I would sit watching and listening to their lessons. The horse crazy girl deep inside me started to reawaken and I decided that instead of just sitting and watching I would take lessons too. Learn new things. Experience life, not just observe it. I loved it! It was amazing how much of my passion for horses was renewed. The feel of the horse beneath me was thrilling. And I was working hard to learn a completely different style of riding.

Last August I was riding a horse I had never ridden before. My instructor was telling me how excited she was to put me on this horse. She just knew I would love him. By the end of the lesson he went completely wild and I had fallen off twice. I knew I had broken my tailbone… been there, done that before. And I figured, give me a few weeks, I’ll be fine, and then this horse and I have some unfinished business we need to work out.

A year later I was still in pain and getting worse. We decided I needed to see a specialist and so I flew to South Africa to see a doctor. I expected he would tell me that yes, my tailbone is broken, but it’ll heal and you’ll be fine. I chalked up my back pain to muscle issues from sitting funny for a year. After an MRI the doctor told me that I had damaged a disc in my spine. I was diagnosed with… da da da da… a broken tailbone AND a bulging, deteriorating disc in my lower back. My tailbone would heal with time, but he explained that my spine would never heal. He then strongly commanded no running, cycling, horseback riding, or any other activity that would jar my spine. I heard my life slip away with those words. He gave me two options: 1. live on pain meds in chronic pain or 2. attempt to manage the pain through diet and exercise. The choice was a no-brainer for me! Diet and exercise all the way.

I immediately dug into research. I’m such a nerd. Not having a good physical therapist to work with here in Zambia I devised a plan based on my research and ran it by an American doctor that serves here with us. He agreed that my plan was probably the best I was going to get here and to go for it. Riding in the car in Zambia is worse than doing the three banned activities all at once due to our lovely roads. So… my first step towards recovery was to quarantine myself to home. Organizing everyone’s lives around that was quite the job. Second was diet. I immediately started eating a very strict anti-inflammatory diet. And third was exercise. I started a strict routine of yoga, stretching, and core exercises in an attempt to strengthen the muscles around the weak part of my spine so I could get back to experiencing life.

Praise God my plan has been working. I’m feeling so much stronger. My pain has become mild discomfort. And I’m feeling healthier all over because I’m taking care of my body. A couple of weeks ago I was feeling so good that I jumped back into life. My body very strongly protested that decision. I was in so much pain I felt like I was back at square one. I realized that in the past every injury I experienced would eventually heal and I could go on with life. Not this time. Just because I feel good doesn’t mean I’m healing. It means what I’m doing is working and to stick with it. It was a rude awakening.

It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that I will never be completely well again. It’s hard to realize that my life will be limited from now on. I realized I’ve been living in denial about how life will look in the future. I know that to an extent I will eventually regain some activities, but I will always have to be conscious about how those activities will affect my back. I will be living with a certain amount of chronic pain for the rest of my life. I will have to be careful not to further injure my spine.

Along with the realization that I have been living in denial came the realization that I’ve been avoiding the emotional and spiritual effects of this diagnosis. I’m coming to understand that I need to accept the reality of what my life will now look like. I need to mourn the loss of my active lifestyle. It hurts to tell my kids that I can’t run around the yard with them playing games anymore. At least for now. It is hard to tell my family to hug me gently. I hate the phrase, “it hurts my back”. I don’t like having to think through every movement. But that is the reality of my life right now.

And then I started to see that I was frustrated with God for limiting me like this. I’m living here, serving him, and I need a healthy, whole body to be able to do that. I have a family to take care of and this doesn’t help one bit. I had plans! I was going to run my first marathon in May. Bye-bye Flying Pig. I was going to teach my kids to snowboard this winter in the U.S. I was going to go on mountain biking dates with my husband. I was going to compete in my first horse jumping competition this year. God isn’t following my plans at all! Boy is he humbling me. My life is not my own. I was fine surrendering my heart, life, home, kids, husband… but I’m finding I never surrendered my body. Well, it’s on the alter now.

These are not lessons I’ve learned. I’m not looking back retrospectively. I’m in the very depths of it right now. I’m having to say with each twinge of pain that God’s strength is perfected in my weakness. Every time I have to say no and limit myself I pray that God would find some way to work through my inability to work. And as I come to accept the fact that I will never heal I am reminding myself that God has a perfect plan in this. He has always been faithful and I can trust Him now. My life may look different than I desired, but it is not over. God still has a rich, full, rewarding, satisfying future for me that will bring all the glory to Him. My dream of playing rugby may be over, but someday I will run that marathon and jump those horses. And right now I can keep serving my Savior and my family in the capacity God has given me. This is all about Him anyway, not me.

Loss is a reality of life in this sin cursed world that can not be avoided. Loss brings with it the process of grief.  We all hate loss and grief, and we avoid it at all costs.  We shelter our children from it.  We try everything we can to prevent it.  When it comes we live in denial of it.  We stuff our feelings away and ignore the grief we are experiencing.  We distract ourselves so we don’t have to think about it.  We refuse to acknowledge it and put on our best Pollyanna imitation, the eternal optimist.  We can not imagine in any way that there is blessing in loss.  

I’m writing this today from the perspective of miscarriage and stillbirth.  Those are the biggest losses I have experienced in my life.  I have also moved internationally and experienced the loss of home and family.  I’ve experienced the loss of family members to death.  I’ve lost freedom and activity through injury.  The list could go on for all of us.  But it was through the loss of my babies, my most painful loss, that I also experienced the greatest blessing.  My prayer is that some of what I share from my experiences and walk with the Lord can be translated into the areas of loss and grief in your own life. 

This is going to sound crazy, but I have come to discover that the processing of grief is a blessing.  I think it is very important to acknowledge that we all process loss and grief differently.  Some of us grieve privately.  Internally we hold sacred the experiences we had with each loss.  Others grieve publicly.  They have to share their experiences with others in order to process.  I grieve privately.  I need to get alone with God and process through what just happened.  Hearing other people’s experiences overwhelms me.  Even having to deal with other people’s comfort and emotions about my loss overwhelms me.  I need first to get my feet back on solid ground before I can deal with everything and everyone else.  And so I have to dive into Scripture and spend deep, intimate time with my Savior.  I set my feet upon the Rock.  Only then can I start looking outwards and at the circumstances around me.  This has been a huge blessing to me.  It continually brings me back to the Anchor of my soul.  It keeps me in complete dependence on Him.   

We must give in to the grieving process.  We must acknowledge and embrace the loss we have experienced and then process it.  We must allow ourselves to feel the pain and work through it.  Grief itself is a blessing.  It forces us to surrender to our Sovereign Creator God.  It forces us to acknowledge that we truly have no control in this life.  He is God and I am not.  We are put into a correct prospective of Who God is and who I am in relation to Him.  Many times we respond in anger.  “How dare God take that away from me!”  “I don’t deserve this!”  “It’s not fair!”  But when we finally surrender to God and His perfect plan for us there is freedom and peace unlike anything we have ever experienced.  

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As we come out on the other side of the grieving process we learn more about the depth of God’s love and His best for us and for our children.  He walks every step of the grieving process with us.  He bottles our tears and holds them close to His heart.  He hurts every hurt and sobs every sob, and He holds us close. He is much more intimately understanding of loss and grief than we are.  My hope is for my child, my family, my self.  I had plans and hopes and dreams for my baby.  God took all that away. How could God take away my baby?  How can that be good?  We can not define “good” and “love” by our own standards.  They must be defined by God’s standards.  I fully believe that God showed His greatest love and ultimate best for my babies when He took them straight to Heaven and saved them from a life of sin, pain, loss, grief, and struggle here on earth.  That is love.  That is good.  Being a mother and having my babies isn’t about me and what I want.  It is about what is best for my children and God’s purposes for them.  Skipping this temporal life and jumping straight into eternal life…  It’s better than good.  That is God demonstrating His love to me and to my child.  

The next, and biggest, blessing comes out of my relationship with God.  Because I have acknowledged my sin before a Holy God, asked His forgiveness, and received the payment that Jesus Christ paid on my behalf for the punishment of my sins I have a relationship with God.  I have His presence and leading through this short life and eternity in Heaven to look forward to with Him, and my babies.  I will never have to wonder about whether my babies will be saved from their sins or be lost to an eternity of punishment in hell.  They are already with the Father in Heaven.  And I may miss out on watching them grow for now, but I will have eternity to get to know them and enjoy them.  

Loss changes our perspective.  It usually goes one of two ways.  We can become pessimistic and focusing on the loss we live in anger and resentment, or we can focus on life and hope and live in joy and peace.  A friend once said that her body had carried more death than life.  I completely understand where she is coming from, but my heart broke.  Life is eternal, death is but a moment.  God used my, and her, body to create an eternal life, a forever soul.  A miracle in every sense of the word.  It is beautiful and precious no matter how long or short the physical life lasts.  Physical life isn’t really life.  Our souls are life eternal.  My babies physical lives may have lasted only weeks or months, but they are living forever.  LIFE!  Life is what my body has carried, and hope is that sweet some day when I will kiss their faces and dance with them on streets of gold in worship to this God who loved us and gave us His best.  

Do the hard days still come?  Absolutely.  Does it still hurt?  Terribly.  Over the years this pain has become a blessing to me.  It has been 16 years since my first miscarriage.  It has been 13 years since my stillbirth.  The fact that they happened hasn’t changed, but my memory has.  Memories fade.  I used to hate the difficult days.  I hated the pain and the aching in my heart and arms for that one child I happened to be grieving for that day.  But as the years go by those hard days have become precious to me.  A blessing.  They are a reminder that those babies lived in me.  They are a reminder that the experience was real.  And they are a reminder of the hope of seeing them again.  My aching heart and arms will hold my sweet babies close someday.  What a blessing!  

I think it is also important to memorialize each loss in some way that is meaningful to you.  Some people remember their due dates, the dates they miscarried, they name their babies, they buy jewelry to wear in memory of their babies, get tattoos in honor of them.  I remember dates if there is something with it to help me.  I’m not a detail person.  With my first miscarriage my baby died the day before Thanksgiving.  I remember that.  My second miscarriage I remember what was going on but not the exact date.  I don’t remember either due dates.  I didn’t name either baby.  But I have stored up in my heart the experiences of them all.  I wear a bracelet in memory of Grace, my daughter who was stillborn.  We celebrate her birthday every year together as a family.  I have a picture of her on my bedside table.  We visit her grave when we are in the US as a way of remembering her life and how it has impacted our family.  These memorials are a blessing.  A reminder that these children are a part of our family.  Who we are and who our family is has been drastically shaped by their existence.  

Loss and grief are a very real part of our family.  My children have known all their lives that they have siblings in heaven.  Grace died when Lorelei was almost a year old.  She has no memory of Grace’s pregnancy and the pain of our loss, but she has always known that she has a little sister in heaven.  Grace has always been present in her life.  One time when Lorelei was little I was pushing her on a swing.  She kept asking me to push her higher and higher.  Then she asked me, “Do you think God pushes Grace on the swings in heaven?”  So innocent.  So sweet.  I told her, “I think God does push Grace on the swings in heaven and He pushes higher than anyone.”  Because of our losses all of my living children have grown up with an eternal perspective.  They’ve seen me on my hard days and lovingly comforted me.  They know there are days I wish God would send Grace down for just a few minutes so I could hug and kiss and snuggle her, days when I just want to hold Grace.  Days when I’m struggling and they ask what is wrong and I answer, “I just miss Grace.”  The loss of their siblings and the presence of that loss in our family was a catalyst in their salvations.  Heaven has always been a part of our home because half of our children are there.  God has used that in such beautiful ways that I would never take it back.  Not for one moment.  I want them to know that loss is real and unavoidable, but it is also a blessing.  

You may have never experienced loss on a devastating scale, but some day you will.  You may be in the depths of grief at this moment.  You may be on the other side, but still struggling and questioning.  I’m praying for you. I’m praying that God would show Himself to you in very tangible ways.  I’m praying that God would reveal to you the blessings of loss.  I’m praying that what God has brought me through would be a blessing to you and bring glory to Him.  Accept loss and grief as the reality of living in this sin cursed world, but also accept the blessings that God brings about from it.  He makes beauty from ashes.  

It is amazing to me how journaling through Scripture has opened my heart and mind to so much as God speaks to me through His Word.  It’s beautiful.  It’s exciting.  It’s rich, and real, and wonderful.  Every day is a spiritual adventure just waiting to unfold.  

I’m still in Exodus.  And I haven’t gotten very far.  Like I said before, I’m a slow journal-er.  I like to take time to meditate and think over things.  But I have made it to chapter four.  Chapter three is Moses’ famous burning bush experience.  It continues into chapter four when he departs for Egypt.  

If you’re like me you’ve heard countless sermons on this passage.  A lot of assumptions are made, and I’ll be making some as well.  But after this I don’t really agree with all the assumptions I’ve heard.  I’ve been told that Moses’ was taught of the God of Israel while he was growing up in Egypt and believed in Him.  I’ve been told that his biological mother continued to have an influencing presence in his life as he grew up.  He obviously knew his biological siblings.  At least his brother Aaron.  I’ve been told that Moses willingly accepted this call and stepped forward in faith.  And if you’ve ever watched the animated movie you will see much that is not in the biblical account.  I know, I know, it’s just a movie.  But it shapes the way we remember and think about Scripture.  

As I’ve been journaling through there are some things that have really jumped out at me that I want to share with you because I think we can all relate to them in one way or another.  I’ve already written about Moses’ initial encounter with God as God introduces Himself to Moses.  As we get further into this encounter I want us to think about where Moses is coming from.  He grew up a prince of Egypt in the palace.  He had Egyptian tutors.  He was taught Egyptian religion.  He probably saw the court magicians practice magic before him.  But he knew he was not Egyptian.  He probably was taught about the God of the Hebrews, but maybe he just lumped Jehovah God in with the other gods that he was taught about and maybe worshiped.  In this passage he does not identify himself as a Hebrew.  I’m making assumptions like all the preachers we’ve heard, but realistically thinking through his formative years in a practical way and looking at his reactions in this passage I think this is a reasonable assumption.  Here’s why I think this.  

In chapter three Moses encounters God in this burning bush.  God speaks to him very clearly out of the bush.  God introduces Himself very clearly.  (Scroll down a few posts and you’ll see my previous writing about that encounter.)  Throughout that encounter God introduces Himself as Yahweh multiple times.  

Now we are in chapter four and Moses is still tossing doubts at God.  God uses miraculous signs to prove to Moses His power.  If we jump ahead into chapter seven we see the court magicians replicate one of these signs.  If Moses had seen their work as he was growing up in the palace there is a possibility that theses signs were not as impressive to him as they would be to us.  Of course God would have known that and it would have been part of His plan in communicating with Moses.  But it would not have had the faith building effect we may expect it to have.  It clearly surprised him, but no where does it evidence a production of faith in Moses.  It seems to simply prove that God is one of the gods he was taught about as a child.

Then we see, after continued doubts, in verse 10 that Moses addresses the LORD, Yahweh, as “Lord”, sir.  And throughout the rest of this encounter Moses never once addresses God as Yahweh, just as sir.  There is no acknowledgement from Moses that he believes that this is the One True God.  This leads me to believe that this was Moses’ first real encounter with Yahweh God.  I don’t think he is a true believer yet, but he is intrigued.  

As for what God is asking him to do… now that seems very difficult for him.  Moses ran from Exodus a fugitive fleeing for his life.  He wandered through the wilderness until he ended up in Midian.  There he met his wife and father-in-law.  He has made a comfortable life for himself and his family in Midian.  Perhaps he had planned to grow old there and watch his family grow around him.  It seemed he had no plans of going back to Egypt or reconnecting with his biological family.  The way God says in verse 14 that his brother, Aaron, would be happy to see him could indicate a ruptured relationship between them.  Who knew how long his life would be in danger in Egypt?  Who knew if his family would accept him if he went back?  There was no reason to go back.  Now he meets this God who wants him to go back and confront the very things he worked so hard to leave in the past.  

Because he doesn’t have true faith in this God he is trying every way he can think of to get out of this.  “If I come to the people of Israel and say to them, ‘ The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ what shall I say to them?”  He is curious about this God but also knows he needs to clearly identify Him before Pharaoh who believed in multiple gods.  He also says, “the God of YOUR fathers”, he is not identifying as a Hebrew.  This God is not yet his God.  Then, “But behold, they will not believe me…”  Finally, “Oh, my Lord (sir, not Yahweh), I am not eloquent…”  It seems to me he’s looking for a way out.  He’s not sure he trusts this God and he doesn’t want to confront his past.  

Moses eventually comes to the place where he has to obey, but it is a faithless obedience.  It seems to be more of a testing obedience.  A Cosmic Power has addressed him and given him instructions.  Now he is going to see if it is true.  He doesn’t even give his father-in-law the true reason for his leaving.  He passes it off as a family visit.  He takes his wife and children and heads out for Egypt with the staff of God in his hand.  His first two steps of obedience: take the staff, and go.  

I can see him in my mind.  He grimly grasps the staff in his hand as he turns to take one last look at his safe, comfortable home.  He turns with his jaw set and determination in his eyes as he leads the donkey carrying his wife and children into the unknown.  Even though God told him what was going to happen this is a God he doesn’t know or trust… yet.  His was a testing obedience.

Many of us come to our relationship with God in the same way.  Sometimes God is the God of our parents and we have given him little thought other than what we are forced into at church or school.  Sometimes people believe in a Cosmic Power, but when they meet the true God it takes time to truly believe.  Perhaps you don’t believe in a God at all.  And when He finally reveals Himself to you you need proofs to truly believe.  

I think this also speaks to many of us as we step out in uncomfortable ways in obedience to God.  We have our comfortable home, our church, our job security, our family has put down roots, and our relationship with God hasn’t gone much further than our salvation experience.  We go to church because we are supposed to, but our bible collects it’s dust between Sundays.  And suddenly God speaks to us and tells us He wants us to let go of it all.  Maybe He is calling us to missions, a new way of life, a new job, or maybe just a real relationship with Him.  Maybe He is calling us to confront a past we have been working years to leave behind.  Maybe it’s both at the same time.  

We step out with a testing obedience, not a faith filled obedience.  But God clearly says in 1 Samuel 15:22 that he delights in our obedience.   Nowhere is faith mentioned.  As we step out in obedience God proves His faithfulness to us.  Through God’s proven faithfulness our faith grows and we experience Him in new ways.  It’s a cycle of growth and faith.  As we look at the beginning of Moses’ relationship with God we can clearly see many of our own experiences.  We can relate.  

I’m excited to continue through this book to see how God grows Moses’ faith and Moses’ relationship with God grows and becomes real.  How about you?  I want to challenge you.  No more dusty bibles.  Grab a notebook, a pen, and dive into God’s word.  Let Him speak to you. My prayer is that as God speaks to you, you will step out in obedience and would experience God as your faith and relationship with Him grow.

Whew!!  Life has been crazy the last few weeks.  As a result we are a bit overwhelmed, exhausted, and looking forward to visiting the US in December even more.  Allow me to share.

Three weeks ago the girls competed in their first official horse jumping show.  They did AWESOME!  They’ve been working and training for it all year long.  After my back diagnosis mid July I have been sticking close to home and focusing on exercise and diet to manage pain and build strength.  This was the first week I went out two times.  I felt it!  But the girls performing so well in their first show was a huge answer to prayer. 

Our church has outgrown our current venue.  For the last few years the local VFW hall has allowed us to meet there on Sunday mornings rent free.  It’s been a tremendous blessing and many members of the club have started coming to our church as a result.  A while back our church was granted the rental lease of a dilapidated cinema just two blocks from our current location.  It’s been a huge undertaking for our congregation to renovate the cinema to meet our needs as a church.  

Last weekend we had a professional sound technician come up from South Africa to install our new sound equipment.  We had planned a worship team rehearsal on Friday, a huge worship service on Saturday, and church all at the new location on Sunday.  The sound equipment didn’t arrive when planned so we rearranged our schedule and ended up with a Saturday practice and church and worship service on Sunday.  Whew!!  It was amazing, but exhausting!  A huge answer to prayer.

This week Jamie has traveled to South Africa for the Sola 5 conference.  The rest of us are all here on the old homestead holding down the fort.  I’m excited for what God is going to do while he is there, but we always miss him desperately when he is gone.  Thankfully it’s not very often.  Usually the kids really struggle when Daddy is traveling and it comes out in attitudes and behavior.  Today was the smoothest day we have had in a very long time.  I’m so thankful for the kid’s good attitudes, helpful spirits, and obedient hearts.  It was a huge answer to prayer!

I’m so thankful that in the midst of chaos and business we are seeing God work all around us.  This is why we are here; to live well, love God, and serve others.  In the exhaustion there is fulfillment and satisfaction knowing that we are exactly where God wants us to be and doing what He has put us here to do.  

Now we look forward to a bit of rest.  And as December approaches we look forward to spending some restful time with family and friends in the US.  There is a season for everything under heaven.  This has been a season of business and we are looking forward to a season of rest… hopefully.  

There is so much that goes into being a parent.  It can be exhilarating and joy filled as we watch that first step, first day of school, etc.  It can be disappointing and frustrating as we deal with discipline issues and the pain of our own failures as parents.  The day to day of parenting life can easily distract us from the purpose of it.  We get lost in the commotion around us and forget to be intentional.  

So what does living the gospel as a parent look like?  First, your relationship with God has to be the most important thing in your life.  You must daily spend time with Him in His word, praying, meditating and memorizing scripture.  We, as parents, must let the gospel transform us day by day.  Our kids see it.  They watch our lives to figure out how they are to live.  We must live the gospel in front of them every day.  Even in our failures we must live the gospel.  Make things right and let God work in us and through us despite ourselves.  

I believe we must speak truth into our children’s lives.  One resource that has helped us tremendously is “Shepherding A Child’s Heart” by Tedd Tripp.  If you haven’t read it, you should.  If you have read it, live it.  Even as a grandparent or aunt or uncle read it and live it with the children in your life.  Our children need to understand that they are sinners.  Even from an early age, they need to understand that when they disobey mom and dad they also disobey God.  They must understand that it is God who put mom and dad in authority over them and that must be respected. They need to know that discipline is ordained by God for the punishment of sins.  We don’t discipline behavior we discipline heart issues and help our children work through them step by step.  They need to hear from the very beginning that their sins are an offense to a Holy God.  Tell them the gospel each time we discipline them.  Keep it simple and short, but make sure the gospel is in there.  

It is important to each our children that they need to learn how to repent and make things right with those they offend and with God.  Getting punished is not enough.  Saying, “I’m sorry” is not enough.  We need to live out in our own lives how to repair broken relationships, even in the little offenses, and then walk our children through how to do the same.  When we taught our children to apologize we also taught them to apologize to God, ask forgiveness, and help in doing it right the next time.  How we discipline our children is a huge deal and very important to their understanding the gospel.  

From the earliest moments we must be teaching them good character habits and how those relate to God and our relationship with Him.  Charlotte Mason has much to say about teaching strong character traits to our children.  I also got a great list from the Duggars blog with scripture and wonderful definitions included.  We go through one a month, but if I could go back and do it again we would have started with character training from the very earliest moments I could.  We live good character before our children and then teach them what it is, how to live it out in their own lives and why it is important to God.  

As my children grew older they knew the gospel in its simplest form inside and out.  They knew that they were sinners.  Their sins separated them from our Holy God and deserve punishment.  Jesus came to take the ultimate punishment for their sins by dying on the cross for them.  And they have to choose to accept the sacrifice of Christ for themselves.  In time the Holy Spirit changed that head knowledge to heart knowledge and they chose to receive Christ as their Savior all on their own.  But it was those early years of faithfully speaking gospel truth into their hearts and lives that laid the foundation for their conversion.  It doesn’t end there, though.  Now God uses the gospel to transform us day by day as we develop our relationship wth Him.  And so we teach them diligently how to have a living, active, true relationship with their Savior God. 

I hope you’re catching a big theme in this.  We must live the gospel every day before our children.  We are living examples of His love for them.  But we must also be speaking the gospel daily.  Every choice we make for our children needs to be based in the gospel.  How will this draw my child closer to God?  What will my child learn about God from this?  And then talk it through with your kids.  “Repetition is learning.”  As we live and speak the gospel into our children’s lives the Holy Spirit connects those moments to their hearts until they reach the point of conversion.  

I know you would all agree with me.  The eternal salvation of my children is the most important thing in their lives and mine.  After losing my first baby I decided that I would rather lose my children early and know they are with the Savior than to raise them here on earth and lose them for eternity.  I would rather never have children than give life to an eternal soul that would reject Christ and live forever in hell.  I know those are strong words, but this is what brought me to the transforming point of believing that parenting must be the gospel.  Without it there is no purpose in having children at all.  

We are not responsible for the salvation of our children.  I understand this.  But we are responsible for clearly and consistently living and communicating the gospel with them.  Each child will make their own choice.  But when I stand before God I want to stand there with the confidence that I did everything possible to lead my child to Him.  I want no regrets.  And so I am praying for you and your children just as I am praying for me and mine.  I want this to be an encouragement to you.  This should also be a call to action.  We are in this together.  Find ways to encourage the other parents around you.  Brainstorm together ways to live and share the gospel with your kids. I would love to hear any ideas that have helped you.  Share with me resources that have shaped your parenting.  Send me an email or leave a comment here.  I’m always wanting to learn more.  If you would like I will share some of the resources we compile in a future post.  

God’s Word is like sweet nectar to the starving, thirsty soul.  The next morning I woke up and started praying.  What passage was I going to journal through today?  And as I prayed I remembered the preaching on James chapter 1 in church, and a friend who is trying to memorize the entire book of James.  So, James chapter 1 it was.  I got to verse number 4 and I had to stop.  “… the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have it’s perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”  

ENDURANCE.  That one word hit me hard.  I love to run.  I’m kinda weird about it.  And when I’m training for a race it takes endurance.  I hit a wall.  A point where I am frustrated, disappointed, sad, exhausted, angry, and done!  I want to quit.  What was I thinking?  I can’t do this!  It’s too hard.  it’s not worth it.  I just want to get a milkshake!  But, when I push through that wall there is victory, freedom, joy, accomplishment, and a new understanding of myself.  

God was showing me the same thing applied to this precious child.  We aren’t adopting him only for his benefit, but for ours.  The “testing of [my] faith” that will produce endurance in my life.  Wow!  So simple, yet it was just what I needed.  Endurance is going to have it’s perfect result in my life.  But what about his?  Can I trade my “perfect result” and give it to him?  That would make life so much easier!  

And written in my margins was the quote, “When duty becomes delight, burdens become blessings.”  Being his mother had become a duty and a burden in my life, and it was miserable.  I remembered back to the beginning when I was so idealistic and thought with the right love everything was going to be wonderful.  Being his mother was a delight and a blessing.  

Endurance.  The one simple, yet incredibly difficult, word that turned my heart and mind around. I was tired.  I AM tired.  I was frustrated.  In many ways I still am.  I was disappointed.  Yup, still am.  I was so very sad, and yes, I still am.  And I was finished!  No more!  Done!  Quit!  See ya!  But not anymore.  The dear Lord had changed my perspective.  Endurance.  I need to stick it out.  Keep being faithful.  Not grow weary in well doing.  Allow endurance to have it’s perfect result in my life.  His heart and his behavior may not change, but mine has.  I need to focus on the delights and the blessings, not allow myself to be overwhelmed with the frustrations.  But I would still like to get that milkshake.  

P.S.  This was written some months ago as we were struggling through a particularly difficult time with our son.  My prayer is that my experience will be an encouragement to some of you doing through difficult times.  

Praise the Lord, I can say that we have seen dramatic improvement in our son through the work of God in his life.  And I'm seeing dramatic improvement in me through the work of God in my life.

Homeschooling can be such a touchy topic.  Let me just start by saying that I grew up in the public school system in the US.  I had many amazing teachers who inspired, encouraged, and pushed me.  There are still many amazing teachers in the school systems today who are doing the same day after exhausting day.  I am so very thankful for them.  They are shaping lives in very important ways that they may never realize or see fruit from.  They are faithful, hardworking, sacrificing, and ministering to the souls of their students, not just their minds.  Thank you for all you do.  

I also want to point out that every family and every family situation is different.  Some are very happy with their kids in traditional school.  That is perfect for them.  Some wish they could do something different but jobs or finances just won’t allow it.  Others homeschool but with vastly different philosophies and methods than we do.  That is wonderful.  We each have to do what is best for our families.  There is beauty in that.  And I cheer you all on.  We are all in the trenches of parent-hood together.  We need to encourage each other, not judge each other for doing what we believe is best for our families.  

When my oldest child was still quite young my husband and I started discussing our educational desires for her.  We had our own lists of pros and cons for public school, private school, and homeschool.  We spent a lot of time in prayer and I spent a lot of time in research.  We knew that we wanted to eventually move to Africa as missionaries and so we decided to jump into homeschooling.  

I ordered my curriculum that I had carefully researched.  I set up a little desk for her with all the school supplies I remembered having to buy as a child.  And I sat her in that little desk every day and we did workbook after soul sucking workbook.  She was learning, but we were both miserable.  My youngest child was two and my middle was three, so chaos reigned in our home.  In my mind I had to replicate a school classroom in my home for her to be “educated”.  At that time it wasn’t possible and very nearly killed us all.  

I had to let go of my view of education and understand that education is not the same thing as learning.  I started researching how children learn and the different stages of childhood development.  I started researching the different methods of homeschooling.  Through the years we have evolved in the way we teach our kids.  I’ve had so many moments of “I wish I knew then what I know now”, and “if I could go back and do it all over again”.  

I have a strong conviction that as a parents our purpose is to disciple our children into people who will live well, love God, and serve others.  These priorities can only be accomplished with time and intentional effort.  I also believe that God gave them to us as parents to do this job.   We only get to raise our kids once.  We need to make sure that we take every opportunity God provides us to invest into our kids hearts and lives.  I know we all as parents have this conviction and do our best to fulfill it in the ways God enables us to.  For us, God has enabled our family to be able to homeschool and so we believe this is best for us.   

I love being with my kids every day.  I love watching them grow and develop and hear their thoughts and their hearts.  Then I love being able to speak scripture and truth into each of these areas.  I love getting to instill in them a lifelong passion to learn new things and teach them the skills to teach themselves. This is the philosophy behind our homeschooling.  Character development and a passion for learning.  All our curriculums are chosen to strengthen these two areas.  All our extra curricular activities are chosen to strengthen these two areas.  If it doesn’t, we don’t do it.  

There are many practical reasons for why we homeschool.  We live in Africa and the government school systems are not up to US educational standards.  We don’t have the finances to enroll our kids into an international school.  But beyond all this, we love being able to be an intimate part of our kids education and development.  It is a joy and a blessing that we do not take for granted.