Journaling through the book of Exodus has made this book just come alive to me.  I strongly suggest that if you don’t journal through scripture that you start.  It’s such an exciting experience with the Lord.  It’s looking like it’s going to take me forever to get through this book, but I’m willing to take it slow and soak in all God has for me.  God speaks through His word.  He reveals so much of who He is through the book of Exodus. 

At the end of Exodus chapter two we see these words in verse 25, “God saw the people of Israel - and God knew.”  This verse alone is life changing.  The same God who saw the Israelites is the same God who sees us.  You and me.  He sees our sorrows and our joys. 

But those last three words of Exodus 2:25, “and God knew”.  Such enormity wrapped up in three simple words.  God knew their sufferings.  God knew their pain.  God knew what was happening.  God knew His power.  God knew His plans.  God knew exactly what He was going to do and what was going to happen to His people.  

We have the same God today.  He sees your life and He knows.  Everything.  Past, present and future.  He knows!!  Such hope and joy in three tiny words!  No matter what we are facing right now, God sees and He knows.  He has a plan for our sufferings.  Part of His plan is the revelation of Himself to us as we experience Him in our hard times.  

As we enter into chapter three we see how God reveals Himself to us through times of suffering.  This is the famous account of Moses and the Burning Bush.  I haven’t even gotten through all of it, but just what I’ve journaled so far is comforting and exciting.  

Moses is shepherding his father-in-law’s flock.  As he is climbing Horeb, the mountain of God, God reveals Himself to Moses in a bush that is burning but not consumed by the fire.  It piques Moses’ interest and he decides to investigate.  Then God speaks to Moses out of the burning bush.  

He says in Exodus 3:5-8, 

“Then he said, ‘Do not come near; take your sandals off your feet, for the place on which you are standing is holy ground.’  And he said, ‘I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.’  And Moses hid his face, for he was afraid to look at God.  

Then the Lord said, ‘I have surely seen the affliction of my people who are in Egypt and have heard their cry because of their taskmasters.  I know their sufferings, and I have come down to deliver them out of the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land to a good and broad land, a land flowing with milk and honey, to the place of the Canaanites, the Hittites, the Amorites, the Perizzites, the Hivities, and the Jebusites.’”

Through this conversation with Moses God is revealing so much of Himself to Moses and to us.  It’s incredibly exciting.  Let’s look at it and be amazed together.  

He starts out by revealing His holiness.  One of the most important things we must understand about our God.  Understanding and believing His holiness is a foundational aspect of understanding more about Him.  He is perfect in all ways.  He is without sin.  He is unique, above all others.  When we see God’s holiness and understand who we are in relation to Him all we can do is what Moses did, hide our faces in our sinfulness and shame.  This is the beginning of a true relationship with God.  Understanding and admitting that He is holy and I am sinful.  

Next God reveals His faithfulness.  As the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob He has faithfully kept His promises to them and will continue to be faithful to His chosen people.  The God that provided a child to an old and barren couple just as He promised is the same God who keeps His promises in our own lives.  The God who brought Isaac down from the mountain of sacrifice and provided a ram in his place is the same God who is our Jehovah Jireh and will always provide for us.  The same God who wrestled with Jacob in the wilderness and saved him through the son he believed was dead is the same God who protects and sustains our lives.  He has been faithful throughout all history and He will continue to be faithful now and for all eternity.  We can trust Him.  

We have a God who sees, hears, and knows our sufferings.  He is a sympathetic and just God.  We are never alone in the difficulties of life.  God is always there with us.  Most of the time in scripture when we see the word “know” it means much more than an intellectual awareness, it means an experiential knowledge.  God doesn’t just have an intellectual awareness of our sufferings.  He experiences it with us.  He sees our circumstances, He hears our cries and prayers, and He experiences our sufferings with us.  We are never alone.  

Our God is a God of mercy and grace.  We have a God who withholds the punishment we justly deserve and instead bestows upon us blessings.  Just as He came down to deliver the Israelites out of the hand of the Egyptians He comes down to deliver us out of our difficult circumstances.  The Israelites had been slaves for a very long time.  God delivered them in His perfect timing.  Now was the time.  He doesn’t always deliver us when we want Him to, but because He is faithful He will do it when the time is right and we can trust Him in it.  

We serve a God of hope and blessings.  He promises to deliver the Israelites out of slavery and take them into a land of blessing.  As we come to know our God and follow Him he leads us out of slavery to sin and self and takes us into the freedom of hope and blessing.  We look forward to the someday of our Promised Land, but as we wander in the wilderness of this life, following Him, we can enjoy the blessings God pours out on us and live with hope of the coming blessings and joys.    

God is powerful and purposeful.  He has a perfect plan for each of our lives.  He revealed His plan for the Israelites.  He would deliver them from Egypt and take them to a land of blessing.  He also purposefully mentions the inhabitants of the land of blessing.  He knows that entering and possessing that land will not be easy.  He has a plan.  Not an easy plan, but a perfect plan.  He is going to walk with His people every step of the way through the wilderness and go before them into every battle to possess this land He has promised them.  We can trust God’s plans for us.  We can walk with Him knowing He goes before us to prepare the way.  

This is just the beginning for Israel.  And it’s an exciting beginning.  As God leads them through the wilderness to the Promised Land He is going to reveal Himself to His people as He never has before.  They are going to see Him in mind blowing ways.  It is truly awe inspiring.  While they were in Egypt the Israelites could only see their suffering and oppression.  God delivers them, but doesn’t immediately take them to the land of blessing. He takes them into the wilderness where there will be no distractions and complete reliance upon Him.  And it is in this place that He shows them who He is.  

The same is true for us.  Many times it is a spiritual wilderness.  Sometimes it is a physical wilderness.  God takes us through these wilderness experiences so we come to a place of complete dependence upon Him.  And it is in these times that He reveals Himself to us as never before.  We get to truly see Him and know Him.  He never promised that our lives would be easy.  If you honestly look at scripture He promises the exact opposite.  But He also promises that we will not walk through the wilderness alone.  He walks beside us and goes before us revealing Himself to us in ways that make the wilderness holy, beautiful, and precious.  

We need to embrace the wildernesses that we journey through in life.  As we embrace them we must keep our eyes and our hearts open to experience God in new and exciting ways.  The wilderness is desolate, but it’s the perfect place to see God.  Faith is not a feeling.  Faith is believing God is who He says He is even when we don’t feel it.  Faith is trusting in His promises.  Walking through the wilderness with God strengthens our faith and broadens our understanding of who He is.  The wilderness is a precious place. 

The story of surrender in Moses’ mother’s life doesn’t end with the basket in the river.  As I journaled through the rest of the story this morning the Lord just kept on speaking!  Let’s look at the last few verses in this part of the story.  

Exodus 2:7-10  Then his sister said to Pharaoh’s daughter, “Shall I go and call for you a nurse from the Hebrew women to nurse the child for you?”  And Pharaoh’s daughter said to her, “Go.”  So the girl went and called the child’s mother.  And Pharaohs daughter said to her, “Take this child away and nurse him for me, and I will give you your wages.”  So the woman took the child and nursed him.  When the child grew older, she brought him to Pharaoh’s daughter, and he became her son.  She named him Moses, “because,” she said, “I drew him out of the water.”

Again… wow!  This mother is one amazing woman; an example to all of us.  God returned her son to her for a short time.  She knew she was going to have to surrender him again.  Let’s put ourselves in her place again and see what God has for us to learn.  She did not get the full story at once as we did.  All she knew was her God’s faithfulness in that moment.  

I can imagine that as she rushed back home with her precious baby she was wracking her brain trying to think of ways to hide and keep him.  But that would be impossible.  He was the only boy baby among the Hebrew people.  As he grew it would become obvious.  And so she had to surrender again to the God who had just proven His faithfulness to her.  She saw how He had saved her baby from the river.  God’s answer to her desperate prayers had strengthened her faith.  The very fact that her son was alive and returned back to her for a time gave her confidence that God had a big plan for this child’s life.  

And so, for the short time she had, she prayed over him, spoke truth over him and to him even though he was too young to understand.  I’m sure that many months before she had circumcised and named him on the eighth day of his life in obedience to the Law.  And she continued to follow God’s Law and their customs in his life as long as she would have him.  She stored every moment in her heart knowing she will have so few of them.  Just like for us, the time passed quickly, but she continued to nurse him for as long as she could.  

Then came the day of surrender.  The day of his adoption.  As she placed him into the hands of Pharaoh’s daughter she was placing him again into the hands of the Lord.  How her heart must have broken.  She was not only surrendering his physical life this time; she was surrendering his eternal life as well.  If he had died in that river a year before he would have gone to be with the Father, but now she was surrendering her son to be raised in a pagan household to worship false gods.  

For the rest of her life her heart and her arms would ache for this special child.  But she had resolve and faith in her God.  She would pray every day, all day, for him.  She would lay her broken heart, empty arms, and her child at the foot of God’s throne and trust in Him, her faithful God.  

At the moment she surrendered her son into Pharaoh’s daughter’s hands he was given a new name - an Egyptian name.  Moses, because he was drawn out of the water.  The very water he was named after was a god to the Egyptian people.  To the Hebrews it was a water of death, sorrow, and misery.  Later it would be a key element in the final showdown between God and Pharaoh, and Moses would be a key player in that showdown.  But in Moses God defeated the death, sorrow, and misery of this river to give life out of it.  He is going to use this child, named after this river, to oppose and defeat this river god, and deliver His people.  God had a plan, but this mother could not see it.  She just had to trust in Him.  

We don’t hear anything else about Moses’ mother.  I’m assuming she died before Moses’ surrender to the Lord and the deliverance of her people.  She never got to see the fulfillment of God’s plans, not just for Moses, but for her other children as well.  She trusted God with the most precious people in her heart in the midst of the unknown.  She could not save her child by holding on to him.  She could only save him by surrendering him into the hands of God.

How true is this for us as mothers here and now?  I have heard mothers tell me that they are afraid to surrender their children to the Lord because if they do something bad might happen.  I completely understand that crazy momma bear love we have for our children.  We would face death, the very gates of hell itself, to save our children… but we can’t.  We are under the delusion that as long as we hold on and hold them close we can keep them safe.  But this is not true.  It is truly a delusion.  

Mommas, we have a loving God; a faithful God.  Our God created all that there is with the breath of his voice and sustains it all with His will.  He is the Creator of our children and His love for them is far beyond anything we could ever comprehend.  He created them with a purpose and plan for their lives.  And then He gave them to us for a short time to love them, care for them, and raise them to love and serve Him.  Our children are not truly ours, they are His.  The only way we can keep them safe is to surrender them into His hands.  

Let’s be mothers of faith who teach our children who God is through our actions and our words.  Let’s be mothers of resolve as we daily raise our children through the good and difficult times.  Let’s be mothers of surrender who place our children in the hands of the Father.  We may never see the fulfillment of God’s plan for our children, but we can trust Him to complete the good work He has begun.  We can not save our children by holding on to them.  We must surrender them to our faithful, loving, sovereign God.  Let go, mommas, and watch God do His thing.  It’s beautiful.  

I recently started journaling through Exodus and I’m really excited about it.  There is something about journaling through scripture that gives me time to think, and process, and for the Lord to speak to me.  It takes me much longer to get through each book than I anticipate, because I will get caught up in the Scriptures and what God is showing me that I take my time and soak it all in. I’m in Exodus chapter two, and I’m so excited about what God is teaching me I just wanted to share it with you.  

It’s a story we all know well.  The Israelites are slaves in Egypt and have grown in number and in strength.  The Pharaoh is concerned about the strength of his slaves and so attempts to curb their population by having the midwives murder every baby boy born to them.  The midwives fear God more than Pharaoh so they arrive late at every birth and the baby boys are saved.  (I loved this part of the story!)  Fast forward a generation and Pharaoh has again decided to curb the population of the Israelites and orders every baby boy thrown into the Nile River.  

It is here we meet Moses’ mother.  Let me share with you Exodus 2:1-6

Now a man from the house of Levi went and took as his wife a Levite woman.  The woman conceived and bore a son, and when she saw that he was a fine child, she hid him for three months.  When she could hide him no longer, she took for him a basket made of bullrushes and daubed it with bitumen and pitch.  She put the child in it and placed it among the reeds at the bank.  And his sister stood at a distance to know what would be done to him.  

Now the daughter of Pharaoh came down to bathe at the river, while her young women walked beside the river.  She saw the basket among the reeds and sent her servant woman, and she took it.  When she opened it, she saw the child, and behold, the baby was crying.  She took pity on him and said, “This is one of the Hebrew’s children.”

Wow!  What a woman! As I was reading this I couldn’t help putting myself in this mother’s place.  To be expecting a child at this time would be a very difficult experience.  You would have no idea until the birth of that child whether you would be able to raise your daughter or be forced to murder your son.  I can imagine as a mother she had been devising this plan since she realized she was pregnant.  Think about the dread and fear that must have been in her heart when she gave birth to a baby boy! Thankful that she had a plan, but she also dreaded the implementation of that plan.  

And so, with the words, “It’s a boy” she resolved in the depths of her very being to save her chid and put her plan into action.  She had her plan in place for how to hide the child and I’ve no doubt her family agreed and helped her.  Perhaps she had neighbors and friends who were in on it as well.  I’m sure there were many moments of near discovery those first few months.  But all of them with joyful, yet heavy hearts working together to protect this tiny child.  They had no idea they were delivering their deliverer.  

When the child became too old to hide she knew it was time for phase two of her plan.  She had carefully woven herself the basket she was going to use; not too small knowing he was going to grow, not too big because his very life depended upon concealment.  Praying as she wove each strand, hoping with all her heart that she would never have to use it for it’s intended purpose.  Maybe she had finished it months ago and used it to hide him around the house so he would feel comfortable in it before she had to surrender him.  But now the time had come.  She meticulously daubed it with what she knew would make it waterproof and safe.  She tested it in a tub of water praying over every step of her preparations.  

Maybe she chose a specific day.  Maybe she woke up one morning and knew deep in her heart that it was time.  In my mind she bathed him gently and carefully as her tears mingle with the bath water.  She nursed him one last time cherishing his gentle breath on her breast and the sounds of his sucking.  She counted one last time his precious fingers and toes.  She memorized his sweet chubby cheeks and tiny nose, storing them up in her heart.  Then she wrapped him tightly in soft clean blankets praying over him and committing him into the hands of the only One who can save him.  She rocked him to sleep so he will be quiet on the trip to the river.  All this time her heart breaking yet hopefully trusting in her God.  Solemnly she placed him in the basket.

Perhaps she had chosen the spot in the river many months before.  Each time she walked past praying over it.  She chose it strategically, praying and hoping for the salvation of her child.  Perhaps she knew the princess would be sympathetic towards her child.  She would have watched and known the schedule of the princess and knew she would be there that day.  With fear and faith mingled in her heart she opened the basket for one last glimpse.  One last kiss, soaking in that sweet baby scent as she firmly closed the lid and sets the basket in the river among the reeds.  She made sure it is hidden to passers by, but visible to the princess’ bathing spot.  She left her daughter as guard, kissed her, and reminded her to be diligent in her watch.  With one last look she rushed home to pray and wait.  

How heavy her heart must have been.  But what faith she displayed!  What an incredible woman!!  Mommas, this is how we must approach our parenting.  With the same faith and surrender.  We must be intentional about the way we raise our children.  We must make wise choices for our children.  We must fight for our children and protect them, raising them in the world but not of it.  And with faith, sometimes fear, we must surrender them into the hands of the only One who can save them.  His plans and purposes for our children are far beyond what we could ever imagine.  He may not use them to deliver His people from oppression and slavery, but He will use them to lead others to the Deliverer of their souls.  Even in the hard and hopeless times God has a plan that we can trust and follow.  There is always hope in Christ.  

Mommas, let’s be women filled with intentional faith for our children.  Let’s be an example of determination and strength as we rely on the Lord.  And then, let’s surrender our children into the hands of the Lord and watch with hope as we see His plans for them fulfilled.  Our God is faithful and good.  Surrendering our children to Him is the best thing we could ever do for them.  

Conservation hunting. Some people would try to say it’s an oxymoron, but it is in reality a very valid and important part of our taking care of the earth God has given us. Overpopulation of herds of animals in a confined space such as a wild game preserve or game farm is a dangerous problem for everyone involved. There is increased territorial fighting among animals that leads to life threatening injuries, insufficient food resources for all the animals that leads to starvation and sickness, the spread of diseases among herds that leads to slow and miserable deaths. There is increased danger for the people who live and work in these areas as they come into contact with these animals more often than they should and when provoked they can become deadly. The earth itself becomes overburdened with providing food and water for these overpopulated herds. Everyone suffers.

Oxford defines conservation as: the prevention of wasteful use of a resource; preservation, protection, and restoration of the natural environment and of wildlife. In a situation as previously stated to let things remain as they are would not be within this definition of conservation. It is a wast of a resource. It is allowing the natural environment and wildlife to be destroyed.

How can hunting be called conservation? Let’s take a look at it. In Genesis 2:15 God puts Adam in the Garden of Eden to tend it and take care of it. Later in verse 28-30 God tells Adam that He is giving him control over every thing that moves on the earth. This was before the fall of sin in chapter three. There was no death, hunting or eating of meat when God gave this command to Adam. God expected Adam to take care of His creation… to conserve it.

Sadly we do not live in the world Adam lived in when he received these commands. We live in a world of sin and death, but we still have the same mandate from God. We are to take care of His creation and conserve it. God has given us one earth for us to live on and enjoy for His glory. Caring properly for His creation and the resources He has given us brings glory to Him.

I won’t get into the theological details, but later in scripture God gave His people permission to eat meat. He commanded them to offer sacrifices to Him and to eat a portion of that meat. The deaths of those animals was a proper use of the resources God had given them. Without going through the step by step I’m going to jump back into the topic of hunting.

God has given us the mandate to care for these animals of the earth. When they are underpopulated and endangered we should protect them and take care of them. But the same is true when they are overpopulated. Responsible hunters who work along side of game management and conservation work to control herd sizes so that the animals can thrive in their environment. The taking of select animals can create a stronger and healthier herd over time. The smaller herds then nourish the environment instead of destroying it. Where we live local people can not afford to eat red meat regularly. This conservation hunting also provides much needed meat to the locals and strengthens them. The smaller herds also provide a safer place for the people caring for them to live.

As missionaries we are always teaching our children that every person is created in the image of God. Each life is precious and Jesus died to save each of their souls. Everyone should be treated with respect and given the opportunity to hear and see the loving salvation God offers them. But we think it is important to teach them to take care of this beautiful Earth God has provided for them and hunting is a part of that.

We are thankful that we are able to partner with amazing game management personnel here in Africa to help them take care of the animals put in their care. Because of the nature of conservation hunting, not trophy hunting (which we also do), usually the cost is very little. We buy the meat we keep and the rest is kept by the people thereby also helping the people financially. It’s a fun and exciting way of being part of the conservation of resources in our local area. And another reason we love living in Africa!

This is a story of how God poured out His grace in our lives in a tremendous way, completely transformed who we are and our view of Him, altered our future for all eternity, and blessed us more than we ever thought possible.  This is the story of Grace.  Our Grace.  An experience we never would have chosen, but never want to give back.  This is a story of pain and heartache, but also a story of joy and hope.  And I pray that this story would bring glory to God and touch those of you who have experienced similar circumstances in your life or know someone who has.  

As many of you know, over the years my husband and I have had two miscarriages, one stillbirth, three heathy children, and adopted one child. That’s our family in a nutshell.  It has not been an easy journey, but it has been one very worth taking.  Even a journey we would willing take all over again.   

I’ll start at the beginning and try to make it as short as possible.  We got married in January 2001.  Jamie was finishing up college and I was working full time.  We had no money… and I mean, no money.  A year after we were married we decided to stop preventing pregnancy, but not try either.  Just going to leave it in God’s hands.  Ten months later I was pregnant.  We were so nervous and excited.  We went for our first doctor appointment and then told the family.  A week later the Lord took our baby Home with him and my pregnancy ended in miscarriage.  Our hearts were broken.  It was the day before Thanksgiving and we were struggling.  We decided to start trying again right away.  A year later I was still not pregnant.  A few months and an ovulation test later we were pregnant again.  Our nervous, anxious hearts surrendered this baby to the Lord knowing it’s life was in His hands.  After a dream pregnancy and delivery we held our precious daughter, Lorelei, in our arms and wept.  I was ready… we were ready to do it again, right away.  

Three months later we were pregnant again.  This pregnancy started with a move to a different state as my husband took an associate pastor position.  I started spotting and put myself on bedrest (or as close as I could get) the day we moved.  I knew that if the Lord wanted to take this baby Home I couldn’t stop Him, and if I was still pregnant after we settled in I would find a good high risk OBGYN.  A few weeks later, as far as I knew, I was still pregnant.  The Lord directed me to the most amazing doctor.  The baby had a heart beat and seemed to be perfectly healthy.  We breathed a huge sigh of relief.  

I was so excited!  I had wanted to have my children as close in age as possible so they would grow up close together.  Thirteen months apart seemed perfect to me.  We settled into our new home and church enjoying our baby in our arms and our growing family.  It was time for my 18 week ultrasound where we would find out if we were having a boy or a girl.  I woke up that morning with a heavy heart.  I felt the Lord whispering to me that this was not going to go as we had planned, but perfectly as He had planned.  Little did I know He had whispered the same to my husband.  

At the doctors office they took me back by myself to do the medical check-up part of the ultrasound and then they were going to bring Jamie back for the gender reveal.  As soon as the ultrasound technician put the wand on my belly she quickly turned the computer screen away from me, and I knew.  Something is wrong with my baby.  Possibilities started pouring through my imagination.  I knew we could handle raising a special needs child.  We could even enjoy raising a special needs child.  

The ultrasound technician called my doctor in.  One glimpse at the screen and he said, “Amanda, we have a big problem.  I need to get you to see a specialist right away.  This is too big for me to handle.”  I was so thankful for his blunt, humble honesty.  They called Jamie back and started to show us what they had seen on the screen.  Under-formed and missing internal organs, missing brain matter, serious issues with our baby’s development.  

The next week we drove to the capitol to see the specialist. They did ultrasounds and tests and then told us they would inform us in a week.  That week we had planned a vacation at the beach with family.  It was a much needed distraction but also time to prepare our hearts and process.  Our family knew everything we knew and were so kind and encouraging.  Finally the results came back.  Our child had a very rare genetic disorder.  Unless the Lord chose to do a miracle this baby would not survive outside my womb.  It made every moment beyond precious.  I treasured and soaked in every kick and movement.  I prayed continually all day, every day, that God would heal my baby.  Jamie would lay his head on my belly to feel it’s kicks and soak them in as we would pray.  Countless people were praying along with us.

Nine weeks later the doctor confronted me with a choice I never thought I would have to make.  This baby was growing much faster than it should have been and I had no amniotic fluid.  At a certain point it would become life threatening for me to carry this baby and we would have to decide when to take it’s life.  When that time came we would have to do a c-section because the baby would be too large for me to deliver naturally.  We couldn’t make such a heart wrenching decision!  This was our baby!  We discussed and prayed and decided that we would leave that decision up to the doctor.  When he said it was time… it was time.  

Day after day, week after week we had prayed continually.  Weekly doctor appointments with no good news, long trips to the specialist where nothing new was determined.  The Lord had not given us peace that He was going to heal our baby, but He had given us His presence.  He went into every ultrasound with us and held us through it.  His Spirit gave us strength and understanding of the hope He had in store for our precious child.  And so we crawled up into our Father’s lap, buried our heads in His chest, and let Him comfort and carry us through.  It was all we could do.  

A week later I lay in bed while Jamie was getting ready for work.  I had another doctors appointment that day.  I was exhausted physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  It had been a very long ten weeks.  It was painful to be pregnant without amniotic fluid.  I couldn’t enjoy or care for Lorelei as I had hoped for because I was always in pain.  I couldn’t do anything.  I was done!!  I couldn’t handle it anymore.  After Jamie left I laid there and cried begging God to do something, anything, because I couldn’t handle any more.  

At the doctor that day we encountered a scenario that we had never imagined.  I was going into early labor!  We were so thankful that we wouldn’t have to decide to end our child’s life.  I immediately went into preparations for delivery.  My doctor had explained that because of the genetic disorder her body could fall apart during labor and that would kill me so we opted for a c-section.  We may not get to have her with us for very long, but we wanted to hold her body whole.  Through research we also learned that life outside my womb before death would be an agonizing experience for the baby.  We started praying for a stillbirth.  We knew our baby wouldn’t live long and we didn’t want to watch it suffer.  We wanted our child to go from my womb to the arms of God.  I didn’t know if we were having a boy or a girl, so I bought a white crocheted blanket and a dear friend quickly crocheted me a baby hat to match.  

Around midnight it was go time.  We rushed to the hospital preparing for a c-section and praying for a stillbirth.  Labor went too fast for the c- section and I had to deliver naturally.  My heart was broken.  But God was so good to us.  Our daughter died during delivery.  She didn’t suffer one second, but went straight to the arms of God.  Her body stayed in tact so we were able to hold her and take pictures and have the closure we so desperately needed.  After a scare the Lord preserved my life.  Through it all He poured out His grace in our hearts in ways we could never have anticipated.  

During the ten weeks of pregnancy after Grace’s diagnosis God’s people rallied around us.  We had people praying for us daily all over the world.  Our families held us close and walked through it with us.  To be honest, I was never afraid.  The entire time I had peace.  I knew my God was in control.  I knew His plan was perfect.  I knew I could trust Him.  God’s grace became tangible the day we held our baby girl.  On the outside she was perfect in every way.  Her tiny fingers and toes, her soft skin.  Before she was born we had decided to name her Grace, just Grace, because of what God was revealing to us through her pregnancy.  We wanted her name and her short life to be a testimony to our merciful, loving, Gracious God. 

Two weeks from today we will celebrate her 13th birthday.  Every year we celebrate her birthday as a family.  We bake a cake, look through her pictures, read her story, and imagine what our family would be like if she had lived.  We discuss what it would be like to grow up in heaven.  The other children know they have a sister in heaven and it has made heaven more real to us all.  

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her.  She is in my heart, a part of me.  She always will be just like my other children are.  Most days thoughts of her are sweet, but every once in a while I just need her.  Holding my other children doesn’t calm the hurt in my heart and arms.  I wish God would send her back down to me, just for a few minutes, so I could snuggle and kiss and love on her, then I would give her right back.  I used to hate those days, but they have become precious to me.  Over the years memories have faded.  I forget so much of that experience that sometimes I wonder if it was all a dream.  But then the hard days hit and it makes her real to me again.  That makes the pain precious.  Someday I will hold her in my arms in the presence of our Savior.  Until then, my heart holds her memory and the hope of that sweet someday.

The missionary life is a life of changes.  Constant changes.  We change friends as people constantly come and go.  We move constantly even if it’s just changing houses in the same city.  Our ministries are constantly changing as well.  New ministry partners come, others leave and not just missionary partners, local partnerships as well.  The economy is usually unstable and so that brings constant changes. Many of us are also changing languages throughout our day.  Along with all the external changes we are constantly changing internally.  We are growing, learning, changing as we adapt to the culture we live and work in.  It’s kind of a theme of mission life.  

I grew up in a small town just outside of Cincinnati Ohio.  My husband grew up in the neighboring town.  Our parents grew up there.  Our grand parents grew up there.  For most of my life I went to the same school and church, lived in the same house, had the same friends.  Life was routine.  There was constancy and we had roots that went down deep.  

When we surrendered to the Lord and He called us to be missionaries we knew that our children would grow up very differently than we did.  No small town America with Founder’s Day carnivals and Easter parades.  No growing up with cousins and your best friend since kindergarten.  But we believed that the life we were entering was the best one for our children because God had called not only us, but our children to it as well.  We still believe that.  

The changes mentioned above are what is a daily norm for our children.  We have moved seven times in the last eight years.  One of those moves was from a house to a camper while we traveled around the U.S. raising support to move to Zambia.  One of those was an overseas move when we moved to Zambia.  One of those was cross country when we moved from southern Zambia to northern Zambia.  In the last three and a half years we have changed houses three times.  (Four if you count the time we spent living with a friend while we searched for a house of our own.)  We changed cultures and languages twice.  We adopted a son in the midst of this.  Along with change comes instability and insecurity.  

One of the verses we have clung to through all these changes is Psalm 121:8 “The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore.”  No matter where the Lord takes us He goes before us, with us, an behind us.  

In the last couple of years we have been praying about where the Lord would have us long term, or even if He has plans for us anywhere long term.  We longed for a place to settle in and put down roots.  We longed for space and nature where our kids could run, play, and explore.  We longed for a sanctuary where we could escape the chaos of life and be restored for the work of each day.  At the same time we had chosen contentment wherever the Lord had placed us.  if it wasn’t in His plan for us to have a place of our own we had dreamed about we were okay with that.  This earth is not our home.  We look forward to our final destination.  

Last November the Lord miraculously made our dreams come true and with that He answered many prayers.  Through the overwhelming generosity of His people He provided us with our own home!  Through that we believe He answered our prayers about the long term.  We have a place to settle in and put down roots.  I hope the grandkids enjoy visiting us here.  We have space and nature where our kids run, play, and explore every day.  We have the sanctuary where we escape and are being restored.  Along with that we are using it for God’s glory for the ministry.  This house has an amazing history I will have to share with you sometime.  

We serve an amazingly intimate God.  He knows and feels the deepest longings in our hearts and He delights to fulfill them within His plan and will for us.  I sit here looking out the window at a tree house soon to be fixed so our kids and others can come and enjoy it.  The massive trees outside my window make my heart happy, and the variety of wildlife that comes with them is so satisfying.  My struggling little garden (I have a very brown thumb), small herd of chickens, and growing pack of goats (our first kid was born last week) are a delight I never thought I would have.  

My children have a place of security and stability.  They can settle in and run free without having to worry that we might move again in the next year.  This has quickly become their home.  My husband has a place where he can relax, study, plan, and prepare for the demands of life and ministry here.  I have a place where I can breath deeply, dream of the future, and settle in for the long haul.  All that combines for a long term, effective ministry here in Zambia.  

I can not express my deep gratitude for those of you who have encouraged, prayed, given, and blessed us through this house.  I wish I could bring each of you here and share with you what  delights us and brings us joy about our hew home.  The biggest is that we can use it for the glory of God as a place of restoration, encouragement, and discipleship for others.  I look forward to sharing with you all the ways God is gong to use this house and property.  Today I breath deep and say thank you.  

If you want more glimpses into our life here in Zambia I’m on Instagram as Zambiasmith.  If you want more information about our ministry my husband is Jamie Allen Smith on Facebook.  

I think that all mothers have an idealistic picture in our hearts and heads of the kind of mother we aspire to be.  I know I do.  I remember watching mothers with their kids before I had my own and being judgy and thinking, “My kids would never…”  Fill it in.  Anyone else out there willing to raise their hands with me??  Lord, forgive me.  Whew!  

The truth is, being a mom is hard.  There are countless blogs and websites and songs, plays, symphonies, movies, musicals, paintings, books…  not sure about all of those, but I wouldn’t be surprised.  I think that because mothering is difficult many women start to wish this stage of their lives by.  “I can’t wait until my kids are in school.”  “I can’t wait until my kid is in college.”  “I can’t wait until my kids are out of the house.”  We have all heard it if we haven’t said/thought it ourselves.  I get it.  What we are really wishing for is a break.  A breather to relax and just rest. 

I think that we need to refocus as well.  As difficult as being a mom is it is also fleeting.  When our babies were born we had people tell us, “Don’t blink!”  How right they were.  As children we always wanted to be older.  As early teens we just wanted to drive.  Then we wanted to graduate high school and go to college.  Then we wanted to finish college and get married.  You know what I mean.  All of those were stages of life that centered on ourselves.  Now we are in a stage of life that isn’t all about us.  We are so used to longing for the next stage that now that we are in one of the most difficult we are wishing it away.  

This may be the most difficult, longest stage yet, but it also the most important.  We have the privilege and responsibility to shape the next generation for God’s use in this world.  We have a house full (or seems to be full) of little minions that steal our peace, time, sleep, spouse, food, and independence.  It won’t last long even though it feels like you’ll be in that stage forever.  That precious baby we held for the first time in our arms with tears in our eyes dreaming of the future is now that mouthy teenager we just can’t seem to connect with.  You’re almost done, Momma.  Don’t wish her away.  

Savor it.  Savor it all.  Every dirty diaper.  Every puky sickness.  Every tear and sniffle.  Every sleepless night.  Every tender kiss on the cheek.  Every pretty weed filled bouquet.  Every crayon drawing.  Every laugh.  Savor it.  All of it.  Don’t blink.  Not once.  Because you will never get to do it again.  We only get one chance.  

The stage we are in seems endless.  One day it will end.  Every stage ends to open into the next one.  I didn’t blink.  I did my best to savor every stage we have gone through.  Maybe losing half of my babies helped me savor the ones I got to keep.  My little minions are all grown up.  I miss them terribly.  Now they’re turning into teenagers.  I miss the little kids that they used to be, but I want to fully embrace who they are becoming.  I want to keep my eyes wide open.  I don’t want to look back some day and realized that I blinked and missed something.  

It takes a lot of hard work.  It takes a lot of patience.  It takes a lot of time.  It takes intentional effort.  But it is so worth it.  All of it.  The good days and bad are worth it all.  Be present, Momma.  Hang in there.  Stick it out.  Savor it all.  This stage will end and another will come.  Don’t wish it away, but find ways to enjoy it.  We are blessed to be mothers.  

I’m all about embracing the stages of life God brings us through.  I don’t want to live stuck in the past or dreading of the future.  I want to live fully in the here and now.  But as I am on the cusp of entering my 40s I’m starting to see some things about this stage of life that are causing me to become wary and concerned. 

One of the biggest is watching Christian marriages fall apart because of unfaithfulness.  Couples who I have watched truly love each other through the good, bad, and ugly have fallen apart and ruined their families. 

What is going on?  Why is this happening?  How can we prevent this?

As I’ve been journaling and observing the situations around me I’ve been praying deeply.  One thought has struck me pretty hard.  Stick with me while I explain my thought process.  

When we were young (especially if you grew up in my circles)  we were always cautioned to guard our hearts and to live in obedient submission to Christ and His Word.  We were told to have dating standards to protect ourselves and our future spouses.  We were held accountable and chaperoned.  Many of us did pretty well keeping our relationships right with God and others.  

Then we grew older, got married, and started families.  I think many of us reach a point where we look at our past successes and think we have got it all down right.  We have been faithfully married for 20ish years.  Our kids are turning out okay.  We are faithful to church.  We’ve got this.  It’s smooth sailing from here on out.  And then we let our guards down.  

When we let our guards down Satan creeps right in.  We let go of the small things first. 

We aren’t in the Word like we used to be. 

The kid’s sport schedules fall so often on Sundays, but missing a little church here and there won’t hurt.  We’ve gone to church all our lives.  Then other things start to slip. 

We’ve been happily married for years.  We are secure in our relationship.  We start letting slip the guards we’ve put in place to protect our marriage. 

Perhaps we are allowing influences into our hearts through media that we would have never allowed before we were married. 

All these things work together to weaken our defenses and suddenly we find ourselves in a place we never thought we would be in.  A broken marriage and broken family.  Regrets you will have to live with the rest of your life. 

First and most importantly we must maintain our relationship with God.  We must be in God’s Word every day.  We must be memorizing Scripture.  We must apply all we are learning to our lives.  Every day. 

We must be spending time in prayer with the Lord.  Resting in His presence and communicating with Him. 

We must be faithful to church and developing christian relationships where we will be fed, encouraged, and held accountable. 

We need to be doing devotions and praying with our spouse, encouraging each other in our walks with the Lord and our faithfulness to Him.  

Second only to our relationship with our Savior our marriage is the. most. important. relationship we have.  A good marriage doesn’t just happen.  And a good marriage doesn’t just stay good.  It takes constant work and constant tending. 

Through the years we grow and change as individuals.  We must be constantly studying our spouses and learning them. 

Continue to fall in love with your spouse over and over again.  Focus in on the good qualities they have and communicate that to them. 

Our love languages or the way we understand them shift as we go through different stages of life.  We need to be aware of this and adapt to it. 

Our communication needs change as we progress through life together and communication is vitally important for every marriage.  Be aware and adapt. 

All the guards that we put in place to protect our marriage are every bit as important now as they were when we were first married.  They are always important.  

Let’s stay strong!  If you’ve let things slip over the years take them back.  Invest in your relationship with God.  Invest in your marriage.  Those are two things you will never regret.  Be a living example of the mercies of God and His faithfulness.  

I am blessed.  I have a great marriage.  17 years into this it couldn’t be going any better.  But I don’t want to blow it.  I don’t want to ruin my marriage.  I don’t want to ruin my family.  I want to stay diligent and look back a the end of my life knowing that I have no regrets.  I lived life to the glory of God.  

In the right circumstances and with the right people friendship can be wonderful blessing in our lives.  But in different circumstances and with different people sometimes friendship can be hard. There are tons of wonderful blogs and articles about living internationally and the revolving door of friendships. And the reality is that it is hard.  Very hard.  Living internationally also means that there is a smaller pool of “friends” to choose from.  We live in a very small community that is constantly changing.  And the reality is that it is hard.  But regardless of where we live the friendships can be complicated.  

We have been blessed with amazing friends here in Zambia.  Friends who we would never have met State side.  Kindred souls who strengthen, bless, encourage, support, confront, and love us.  Friends who it is easy to be friends with.  We also have friends who are not so easy.  The differences are greater than the commonalities.  They are friends we have to work to be friends with.  

I would love to say that since we are adults we know how to do this friendship thing just fine.  We know how to get along with anyone.  But that isn’t always true.  

As parents we all desire for our kids to have good friends.  One of my daughters has been blessed with a few really good friends over the years.  One of my daughters struggles to find a good friend.  But my kids have encountered more hurtful “friends” than good ones especially as they get older.  

Our kids live watching us. They have the same friendship struggles we do, but on a much more immature level.  They are looking to us to understand how friendships work and how they are to develop relationships.  We are the ones who must teach our children to be good friends.  

I’m seeing that many of us as adults don’t know how to be good friends.  Many people don’t know how to be kind to others with no strings attached.  There are others who always take and never give.  Some who don’t realize that most of the things they say are hurtful.  There are people who always focus on themselves.  The ones that are always judging.  The list could go on.

We raise what we are. (Realize I’m speaking out of a place of conviction not condemnation.)  If we as parents are manipulative our children will be manipulative.  If we as parents are takers our children will do the same.  If we are self-centered our children will be too.  

We need to have a realistic view of who we are and how we treat others.  I know our view of self will always be partly skewed.  But there are ways of broadening our understanding of who we are.  There are two simple ones that pop off the top of my head.

• Be in Scripture.  Honestly ask the Spirit to reveal to you who you are in light of what you read in God’s Word.  And then be willing to repent and submit to what He reveals to you.  
• Ask someone who will be honest with you about how others perceive you.  Ask those same friends how you could be a better friend and more relatable to others.  Sometimes it’s not your closest friends who can honestly answer this.  They’ll be too nice.  You know the people who will tell it like it is.  Brave up and go to them. 

We have to live the way we want our kids to live.  

I want my kids to love others because God loves them.  Period.  For no other reason.  With no expectations.  

So, that’s how I have to love others.  

I want my kids to be the givers.  To live life with open hands.  To look around them for the needs of others and then do what they are able to meet those needs.  

I have to be a giver.  

I want my kids to be encouragers.  I want them to uplift and bless the people they come in contact with.  Like grandma always said, “If you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all.”

I need to be an encourager.

I want my kids to be grace givers.  To be that we must realize that we are recipients of more grace than we could ever deserve.  And we need to extend the same amount of grace to others that we want them to extend to us.  

I have to be a grace giver.  

We all want our kids to be good friends to others regardless of how others treat them.  It’s not always easy.  Many times it hurts.  But they will never know how to treat others with love and respect unless we exemplify that for them with our lives.    

Aging Gracefully…  It’s a thought that has been on my mind a lot lately.  Being back in America and seeing all the commercials about anti-aging serums and lotions and treatments, etc. makes me want to look like all the women in the commercials.  And I think, “Whoa!  Wait a minute!  Aren’t I too young to be thinking about this?”  

But then I look in the mirror and see those few stray grays that refuse to blend in.  The beginning of crows feet at the corners of my eyes.  Neck wrinkles??!!  Already??!!  I look tired… and old…  My body no longer wants to lose weight after giving birth to 4 children.  It likes its chubbies.  And I think, “I want to age gracefully.” 

I have to ask myself, what does that mean?  What does that look like?  How does that manifest itself in my walk with the Lord and my daily life?  As I think about those questions I realize that I have to stop.  I have to stop comparing myself to the advertisements and other women.  I have to stop looking so closely in the mirror.  I have to stop focusing so much on my outer self, and I have to start looking at my heart.  

Aging gracefully is not all about looking like that older woman in the commercial with the body that is still in proportion, the stylishly cut grey hair, the trendy yet age appropriate clothes and hoping I look like her when that time comes.  It’s about living every day to it’s fullest for my Savior and my family.  It’s about not worrying about how chubby and frumpy I feel in pictures.  It’s about not criticizing my appearance around my kids (or at all - not easy).  It’s about accepting the aging yet taking the best care of the only body the Lord has given me for His use and glory.  It’s about abiding daily with my Lord and letting His fruit grow and show in me.  It’s about living peacefully with the changes the different stages of life bring, savoring and enjoying each one.  It’s about making memories with my family.  

When my children look back on their lives at home I want them to remember a mom who enjoyed life, made the most of every opportunity, was present in the moment, connected with them and built relationships with them.  And as they grow and go on to their own lives I want them to live that way too.  I want my husband to look back on our parenting years with fond memories of a family who loved life together, not of a wife who was always complaining about being fat and tired.  

I want to experience life, not just realize one day that it passed me by as I was worrying about my forehead wrinkles.  Since I’m going to have wrinkles I want them to be from laughing and smiling with my friends.  If I carry around those extra pounds I want them to be because I enjoyed that cheesecake while listening to my daughter pour her heart out to me.  If I’m going to look tired I want it to be because I was up late enjoying being married to my husband.  I want to enjoy this life the Lord has given me to the fullest investing in what is most important, the lives of those He puts around me.  

The girls have finally reached the point with their horse riding skills where they can start to compete in jumping shows.  They’ve been working so hard week after week.  Sometimes even riding with malaria (mom fail).  I’ve been so proud of them.  They have a tremendous instructor.  She works beautifully with the girls and really pushes them to do their best within their skill level.  

Today the stables hosted a jumping demonstration.  

No competition.

Minimal stress.  

Lots of fun.  

It was wonderful practice for the girls jumping show in August.  They had to go over eight jumps (competition will be 10), perform before a crowd, perform before judges, and get the general feel for how a show will go.  

J was so nervous she almost backed out, but ended up doing an awesome job! My concern was that she wouldn’t remember what order the jumps went in, but her instructor went into the arena with her for support and she really did well.   

L was nervous as well with it being her first demo.  She went out there on her own, remembered all the jumps, had fun, and did so good!!   

Now to keep working so that they are ready for their upcoming competition.  I think they’re going to rock it!  

And of course I forgot my camera… Grrr.  

Next time… 

 maybe…

As we have entered into this adoption journey I had many expectations.  Most of which have proven accurate.  I expected that it would be a journey filled with many road bumps and reverses, and it has.  But I also expected it to go as the website so clearly and simply described step by step.  We have taken many of the steps over and over again.  I expected it to take time, but not this much time.  I expected extortion and corruption, and we have experience that!  But I expected a Spirit filled response that would bring the offender to repentance as they saw Jesus’ love lived through me.  Not even close.  I expected there to be growing pains in our family as my biological children adapted to having a new sibling.  That one has gone pretty much as I expected.  I expected there to be issues with bonding and attachment with our new son.  Boy, has that been true, but not in the ways I expected.  I expected that hurting, resentful, mean child that lashes out and makes life horrible for everyone.  The one that throws awful tantrums screaming, yelling, and flailing about.  

On the surface the “bonding” looked like it was going beyond our expectations.  In our first six months we were amazed at how easy it was.  But then we got a deeper look.  In reality the Lord did give us that hurting, resentful, mean child that lashes out and makes life horrible for everyone, but in a passive aggressive manner.  One who sits and simmers but doesn’t explode.  One who manipulates situations like a master con artist.  One who can torture the sibling sitting next to them while looking completely innocent and the victim while making the offended child look like the bully.  One that will exasperate us to no end without a shred of remorse or repentance.  We were given a child with “indiscriminate affection” who would go with a stranger in a blink of an eye and never miss us… even a year and a half later.  We were given a “trauma child” just as we expected who doesn't exhibit his trauma as we expected.   

I don’t read every book I lay my hands on about adoption, but only those that are recommended from people I respect who are speaking from their own personal experience.  And the ones I have read have been tremendously helpful.  But, as we were given this deeper look into our son and our family I found myself at a loss.  I have not found the resources out there to address the heart issues that we are battling with our son and as a result with our family as a whole.  

Let me explain.  For five years our son had to take care of himself.  For his very survival he had to love himself best, take care of himself best, make himself the most important person in his world.  He had to learn skills to get his deepest “love language” needs met.  He had to be self reliant emotionally and physically.  He has no concept of family or interdependent living.  He does not know what it means to truly love another person, only how to manipulate them to get his needs met.  He doesn’t know what it means or what it looks like to look on others as better than ourselves, or to treat others the way we want them to treat us.  

Most of the books I have read are very good at helping us communicate our love to our son, and they have been invaluable.  But I guess I just assumed that as we communicated our love to him he would just automatically learn how to show love back.  And he didn’t.  And at times I feel used and manipulated.  Our whole family does… except him.  As my oldest child put it, “The more love I show to him the more he uses it to hurt me.”  So, how do you teach a child what family is and what love is beyond living by example.  Where are the books on that??!!  

Then the Lord pierced my heart.  I’ve had the Book I’ve needed all along.  He wrote it just for me and my son.  He wrote it for this very situation.  I need to pour over it and take notes from it just like I did all the other books on adoption.  His Book is the ultimate book on adoption!  And so here I am.  My Bible and my notebook.  Begging God for wisdom.  Praying for the Spirit’s filling in my life each day to love this little boy and deliberately teach him how to love others.  Praying for the Lord to speak to his heart, in ways that I can’t, that he’s not alone anymore.  He has a FAMILY now.  A place where he is safe and loved and can let go of his self love and care and start caring for and loving others first.  Praying for watching eyes and attentive ears to see the situations that arise where I can best teach him that love is a choice and an action.  To help him make those choices and choose those actions.  And patience… boy, do I need patience.  Patience with him when he’s loving only himself.  Patience with my other children when they get fed up and react wrongly.  Patience with myself when I get fed up and react wrongly.  

Most days I feel as though I am talking to a rock.  A heart as hard and cold as stone.  A mind as hardened as a sun burned brick.  But I have hope.  I have a God who melts the hearts of stone and fills them with His love.  I have hope that as we live love before our son the Lord would be revealing His love to him in the ways he needs it most.  In ways we can’t understand.  And as we journey through this together God is revealing his love to each of us in ways we would not have experienced otherwise.  He gives us a perspective of His patient, steadfast love for us as we choose to patiently, steadfastly love our son.  Just that alone makes it worth it.  So, we will keep pouring over Scripture to learn more of what love is and how to love.  We will keep trying to live in ways that communicate love to him and to each other.  We will keep trying to take intentional opportunities to teach him how to love.  And we will keep trusting God to work His will and His best in our lives.

I find it interesting the questions people ask me about raising my kids in Africa.  Some examples...

Aren't your kdis missing out?

Do your kids actually like living in Zambia?

What about social interaction?

And the list goes on...

Raising kids on the mission field certainly has it's own unique challenges, but it makes up for it in adventures, experiences, and seeing the world first hand.  

My children are growing up with a global perspective.  Their world is so much bigger than what is going on in just one country.  They are concerned about what is going on in the world.    

They are learning compassion first hand every day all around them.  They are constantly being presented with the need to help others and healthy ways to do that.   

They are growing up simply and slowly.  Their lives are not complicated by trivial matters, and they are not being pressured into growing up too fast.  They are learning what is really most important in life and savoring childhood.

They are growing up multi-culturally.  They have friends from all over the world.  Different cultures.  Different languages.  Different traditions.  Different colors.  They appreciate the differences and learn from them.  They are soaking all of this in and it is forming them in so many ways.    

Do my kids miss out?  Yes.  But so do your kids.  We can't give our kids everything, but we can teach them to appreciate what God has given them and where God has placed them by exemplifying that in our own lives.  

God is using all of us to raise our chilren right where He has placed us  for His glory.  He has individual purposes for each of our kids.  As parents we are called to invest in our children and disciple them no matter where we live.  We have the privilege of encouraging them to seek God and follow His plan for their lives.  

It's not about WHERE we raise our kids, but HOW we raise our kids.  Let's lead our children to the Savior and be faithful as we watch Him grow them into who He has created them to be.  

I am blessed to raise my kids in Zambia, but more importantly I am blessed to raise my kids.  And you are too.  Let's enjoy it and savor it.  We only get to do it once.  

As I was making dinner the other night I counted out six plates and pulled them down from the cupboard I flashed back to memories from the past. 

My husband and I always wanted a large family.  In 2005 a very rare genetic disorder changed the direction of our family.  We lost our daughter in a still birth.  The odds were not in our favor to have healthy children.  So after three healthy miracle babies, two miscarriages, and one still birth we prayerfully made the difficult decision to be done. 

Five plates.  That was it.  Every dinner setting five plates.  In my heart I wanted more.  For some reason six plates seemed like the perfect number.  The number that should have been.  Many summers our nephew would come spend some time with our family.  I got to set six plates for dinner.  It felt so good.  When he went home and we went back to five plates it was really sad for me.  I kept wishing he could just stay with us and round out our family.  The empty seat at the table many times causing me to imagine what could have been.

For six years it was five plates.  And for all those years I had been praying.  Just one more plate.  One more soul to love and nurture.  One more little body to snuggle and love.  And finally God said, “six plates”.  He brought our precious C into our lives.  Another soul to love and nurture.  Another body to snuggle and love.  

This sixth plate came cracked and broken.  People had not been careful or gentle with it.  Our hearts broke as well as we started to see the effects of these cracks in his heart and life.  And our prayers grew.  Our love grew.  As a family God is using us to mend these cracks.  I look at my other plates whole, shining, healthy, thriving and my heart aches even more for my little plate cracked, hurt, and confused… but slowly mending.  It’s a long slow process.  In the process we get small cracks in our own plates as well and we surrender ourselves into the Potter's hands and He gently mends us.  My son’s plate will never be the perfect, shiny plate my momma’s heart desires for him.  But I know my God, the Great Potter, can take something broken and mend it into a beautiful piece of art that reflects His glorious love and mercy.  

That is my prayer for all my plates, but especially for my boy.  As his hard heart tries so desperately to protect itself, and his behavior works so hard to push others away I see that broken plate trying to mend itself and protect itself from more cracks and breaks.  I know the Great Potter is standing there with open hands waiting and wanting to pick him up, clean off the pieces, and make something magnificent.  I can’t force him into the Potter’s hands, but I can lead him there.  And so I pray daily that through my love, care, discipline, and even frustration and failures God will reveal Himself to my boy so that he can be made whole.  And as a family we will reveal the beautiful creativity of our Great Potter.

This is Resurrection Sunday, you guys.  This is what it is all about.  Identifying with Christ in His death, burrial, and resurrection.  It's beautiful.

I have to admit, when we moved to Kitwe I was aprehensive about working with an international church.  I loved worshiping with my Zambian brothers and sisters in Christ.  But God is working and moving.  He is using this church to meet a long unmet need.  A place for international expatriates to gather together to worship.  We have been blessed to see so many saved.  Countless others brought back into fellowship that had been hurt by other churches.  Many baptized and discipled to greater places of growth in their relationships with God.  

 It's beautiful!  I love my church.  I love my family.  I love watching God work.  I am blessed. 

Check us out!

www.kitwechurch.com

This weekend is one of my favorite holiday seasons.  

Passover.  Good Friday.  Resurrection Sunday.  

Christmas is my other one.  

God Himself, Creator of all things, humbled, clothed in human flesh, came for me.  He lived for me. 

And as we remember this weekend, He died and came back to life for me.  

For you.  

Miraculous.  

Beautiful.  

Indescribable.  

Overwhelming.  

But why celebrate? 

Because of my sin.  

My disgusting, revolting, twisted, evil heart.  My pride standing in puny rebellion against an almighty, all powerful, all knowing, all loving, eternal God.  My sin that deserves the wrath and eternal punishment of that holy God.  

Your sin and rebellious heart too.  

He looked into eternity future and saw us.  

Right now.  

This moment.  

He saw our sin and our helplessness.  

And so He came here through time and space.  He lived and suffered as we do, yet without sin.  In His great love for us He took on Himself His wrath and eternal punishment for our sins.  

By taking that on Himself he pardoned me.  He set me free! He made me His own. 

Then, this is the best part, He overcame sin, death, and the grave by coming back to life giving me His eternal life!!!

It is so important to me that our family truly focus on the meaning and importance of this holiday.  I want my children to know what their Creator did for them.  I have to admit, we don’t do the Easter Bunny, or Santa for the same reason (seriously, no judgement on those that do.  Not trying to start anything.).  We focus on Jesus alone.  In the week leading up to Easter we read through the Scriptures leading up to the crucifixion of Jesus and His resurrection.  We learn and sing hymns that teach us of the cross and eternal life.  We try to do meaningful crafts and bake.  Every year we try to make Resurrection Cookies. And yes, we do color Easter eggs.   

And it seems like every year something comes up to try to hinder us taking the time to focus on Christ and prepare our hearts for Easter.  A crazy schedule, travel, one year I ended up with a burst appendix and ovarian cyst that required emergency surgery here in Zambia the week before Easter.  This year I’ve been struggling with malaria and giardia, just feeling sick and yucky and lacking any energy to do more than the absolute basics.  Along with being physically weak I’m feeling spiritually weak.  Sin is pushing in hard.  I’m fighting hard and winning… not always, but most of the time.  But I don’t want to miss this season.  I don’t want my kids to miss this season.  I want us to savor it in whatever ways we can.  

And so my encouragement to you is to do the same.  

Savor this Passover Thursday reflecting on Christ’s preparation for the Cross and prepare your heart as well.  

Savor this Good Friday when Christ paid the ultimate price for your sin and spend time in confession.  Let God cleanse your heart and purify your soul.

Savor this Resurrection Sunday!  Rejoice!  Celebrate! 

I'd like to introduce myself to you.  

I've been happily married to this amazing man for 17 years.  These are my four kiddos.  L is 13, J is 11, W is 9 and C is 8.  Obviously one of these is not like the others.  C joined our family through international adoption.  On this blog I'll be sharing about being a wife and mother, our family adventures, and our adoption journey.

I live in Zambia, Africa where my husband is the director of missions at Central Africa Baptist College and is a co-pastor at Kitwe Church.  I love living in Africa and raising my children here. I'll be sharing our life here in Zambia, our ministry experiences, and about living and raising our kids internationally.  

I am blessed to homeschool this crazy tribe and I love it. I would describe our homeschool style as a mix of intrest led learning and unschooling with a mix of the Charlotte Mason approach.  Homeschooling in Africa has it's own challenges, but also it's own adventures I would love to share with you.

And most importantly I am a daughter of the King of Kings.  I deeply treasure my relationship with my Savior and thoroughly enjoy Him.  It would be my pleasure to share with you the things God is teaching me as I journey through being a wife, mother, missionary, and homeschooler.  

I would love for you to join me on this journey.  My prayer is that what God is doing in and through my life would be an encouragement to those who join me.  Let's journey together and see what God does.